Why?

So….. I did all the stuff they told me to do. All of it. I worked hard. I gave everything I am to the people I love.  I followed the rules.

*sigh* And here I am jobless, single, homeless, and penniless.

For the last 6 years on and off I have struggled with severe depression. For the last 3 it’s been constant. They make medications for people with normal brain chemistry. I, apparently, do not have normal brain chemistry. Everything they give me works backwards. Instead of somehow magically leveling me out over the course of 1 to 2 weeks….. I take a nose dive within 12 to 42 hours. Nose….. dive. We are talking can’t stop crying, suicidal planning because all I want is for it to stop. So… for all those who continually tell me that I should get on medication… shut it. Been there, done that, tried it. I’d rather figure it out on my own.

So I talk myself out of bed every morning. Literally. Usually it’s at least a 30 minute conversation. Once I get out of bed…. well, there is no guarantee that I will be productive, is there? No. In fact… on most days I’m not. I have things I want to do. Projects to finish, things to post online to sell. But I find I am constantly sidetracked. It’s like adult onset AD/HD…. except there is no such thing as that, supposedly. You either had it all along or you didn’t. I suspect maybe I did… but it wasn’t like this.  I swear I cannot hold onto a single thought for longer than 10 minutes and then it’s…….. SQUIRREL!!!!  How can anyone accomplish anything like that?

For those of you that are reading this that know me well, you know that I used to blog every single morning. I had a following even. Subscribers galore. I wrote what I wanted and some days it was good… others it was meh… but they came and they read. I even wrote my fiction and erotica there, but you had to be on a special list to read it.  At any rate…. I wrote every morning. EVERY morning.  It helped me to focus. You have no idea how many times I have stepped away from this project this morning alone. Or how many times I’ve gone completely off topic and had to come back. *sigh*

What I am attempting to with this is to find some semblance of  sanity within myself. To find some focus. It seems the only space I have that is my own is this room. There is no space for yoga and meditating in here is virtually impossible. I know all the steps to take to get what I need… the problem is I can’t focus myself to take those steps… because what I need is what will help me to focus. It’s ridiculous circle of…. something. I don’t even know. I just know that I’m getting worse. My focus is going…. and going fast. My ability to deal with the bottomless pit of depression I am falling into is going. And I am afraid. Terrified, actually. I can’t grasp for a moment anything that could possible warrant the feelings that I have. None of them are deserving… and even bunched together it doesn’t make any logical sense to me. Each individual thing is something I have easily conquered before. You get up. You dust off. You move on. You find new cheese. But not this time. And I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why.

So….. here we go. I am open to your comments. Your suggestions, your criticism, your support. Whatever. Onward, ho!

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One thought on “Why?

  1. Richard says:

    I have struggled with depression at times in my life, so I know a small part of your struggle. I have little advice, for my own life is a less than a perfect example. Writing did help me. There is something about putting thoughts to paper (as it were) that is therapeutic. The only other advice I would give is continue to get up each day, every day and find something, one tiny little thing that brings you even a minute of joy and comfort. It could be anything, and you may have to try many things until something “clicks”. For me, it was a small creek I could walk to and just watch and listen to the water for awhile. It will be different for you, but there is something that you can use to build upon. I know it Whatever you do, do not give up. .

Cram your thoughts down my throat. It makes me happy.... come on... just do it!

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