My first thought is…. “is the ‘a’ supposed to be capitalized in a title? I cannot remember… but somehow it looks wrong…..” At any rate, on to the subject at hand.
*Disclaimer: I am not a murderer nor do I plan on murdering anyone. I also do not plan on disposing of any bodies, nor have I ever actually disposed of any bodies. This is a practice in writing. I chose a random topic and I wrote about it. You don’t have to like the topic, and quite frankly I do not care. *
As a person who is addicted to crime shows that show a lot of forensic work, and also being a person who often has imagined killing a completely idiotic person who desperately deserved it, I have often wondered how I would go about such things and not get caught. Of course…. I would never actually end a human life other than in self defense… which was the case that one time…. but the police took care of that so… I really didn’t have to worry about it…. ahemmmmmm.
Where was I? Oh yes… how to dispose of a body. If you are one of those people who likes to watch all those crime shows as well, then we can all agree on the ways NOT to dispose of a body. Obviously you do not bury it on your own property. That will eventually come back to haunt you. And don’t let anyone see you trying to drag something body sized around wrapped up in a tarp or a carpet or something… well, Unless of course you have friends helping you…
Scenario Number One: You have friends to help you.
First of all, let me just say… KUDOs on having such great friends!!!!! Okay… on to the plan…. Carting away the body in this case could be fairly easy… Just roll the body up in whatever and arrange an appropriate cover up so the neighbors don’t get suspicious… you know… like… Spring cleaning! Get a truck, start throwing all the trash in it, yard waste… etc. Really get into it… this is a good time to better your atmosphere. May as well make something positive out of this whole messed up scenario. So, along with all this trash just roll that body up in something bigger than it is and toss it in the truck. (Tossing made easy by help from friends.) Cart everything off to the local dump and shabam! Body disposed of. On a side note… it may be a good idea to make sure that you don’t throw away any personal effects or mail or paper with the body…. for obvious reasons……
Something I should have added first and foremost… if you plan on disposing of a body in whole or in pieces, it is probably a good idea to destroy anything on that body that could tie it back to you. Also maybe a good idea to make it difficult to identify.
Destroying forensic evidence that could tie it back to you:
- Get your hair tied up and covered… a shower cap will work.
- Then get some of those handy dandy cleaning gloves… I would wear pink ones, just because pink is fun and happy… and you probably really need something to cheer you up right now.
- It may also be a good idea to be wearing a nice disposable pair of coveralls… preferable fresh out of the package… because you don’t want your DNA falling off your favorite coveralls on to the body you just freshly cleaned.
- Place the naked, yes I said naked, body in a bathtub.
- Make a nice bleach and water solution.
- Scrub that body up real nice with a good stiff body brush. If there was a struggle, you may want to be sure you get under those fingernails really well.
Making the body difficult to identify:
- Cauterize the finger tips… eliminating finger prints.
- Pull out all their teeth and grind them up.
- Carefully remove their face. We can do this easy or rough…. depends on your mood and artistic qualities. Please keep in mind, if you are feeling artistic…. you are going to be disposing of the face you remove… because quite frankly, hanging it on your wall after any sort of artistic processing is just gross and will probably, again, get you caught. Oh… and don’t take pictures. That’s just stupid. Then again.. if you are here for advice on the subject… you probably are already stupid…so… meh. Go for it. I don’t judge. That’s Gods job.
Okay… now that we’ve got that squared away… back to disposal. I know, you’re thinking “But what if I want to destroy the body entirely?” We’ll get to that in a bit. Patience is a virtue, my babies.
Now… being the AD/HD girl that I am… I’m skipping around a lot here…. and I’m truly sorry for it. Bear with me.
Scenario Number Two: Disposing of an entire body on your own:
So you think you are going to do this all by yourself, do you? A whole body? LOL. Okay…. As I said before…. definitely don’t bury it anywhere near where you live. You are just asking for trouble. I mean, I’ve seen some pretty cool ideas…. encasing it in cement on a construction site… which is actually a fairly decent idea, if you know anything about building codes… because if it messes up the stability of the building they are just gonna tear that up and redo it… and hello! Dead body! You don’t want to wall it up inside of drywall… because that will just stink later… unless you mummify it first.. But that’s an entirely different blog.
Now, I ‘m working under the assumption that you murdered this person in cold blood in your own home… (or maybe it was just an accident… in which case, you shouldn’t be reading this, you should be calling the police, you idiot… it was an accident. Sheesh.) In which case, you are going to need to transport this body without drawing attention to yourself. If you have neighbors that can see what you are doing when you are outside your house…. this could pose some difficulty. If you park your car in the garage… not so much. Regardless… you are not going to want to leave ANY trace of this person in your vehicular device. Lining the trunk or or cargo area with heavy plastic or a tarp is a good idea. Also.. in preparing the body to move… eliminating it of it’s fluids may also be a good idea… this can be done before the above step of scrubbing the body down.
This can be done the old school way (like they do with animals), just slit the throat and hang the body upside down and let it drain. Or… after placing the body in the tub you can deeply cut into the thigh to access the femoral arteries and then start doing the CPR move on the chest. As long as the body hasn’t gone all rigor mortis yet this will work. Make sure you have water in the tub so that it doesn’t coagulate and you can easily let it run down the drain once you pull the plug. Now that the body is a little lighter… you can haul it where ever you like, you freaky little psycho, you.
When putting the body into and getting it out of the car… you also want to make sure you are not leaving traces behind in places you wouldn’t think of…. Shaving their hair off in the cleaning prep work above could be a good idea…. I’m just saying.
If you are going to bury this body in the wilderness… well… not smart… but okay. Animal may or may not dig it up and eat it… and it takes a long time to dig a hole big enough and deep enough for a whole body… which means you are just giving yourself more chance of being caught. Whatever floats your boat. Speaking of boats….. weighting it down and dumping it out in shark infested waters is a good way to go…. in which case draining body fluids is not necessary… you’re gonna want those to entice the sharks.
Some people would offer all kinds of crazy suggestions on how to make it look like it was some sort of accident. The problem with that anymore, is that with the forensic science we have now, they can tell when the body ceased to function… and what the cause of death was… so… aside from burning them up in a uber hot car fire that does not involve you adding highly flammable material to the mix…. This is going to be difficult my friend. Unless you are murdering someone who drives a gas freight truck for a living… in which case…. all you have to do is figure out how to get them into an accident that causes a fiery inferno that destroys all evidence and you are good to go.
Dissolving a body: Does that really work? Why yes, my babies, it does.
So you think you want to dissolve the body? Well I hope you have a nice private easily ventilated place to do that… If you do…. Here are some ideas for you. Just a before thought… cutting it up might be good at this point. Again, more messy forensic evidence for you to get rid of… but maybe you should of thought of that before you killed someone, you idiot.
- Using Lye: Now I don’t really know the specifics of how to make a lye solution… but I do know that you can get it at soap making or farm supply stores fairly inexpensively. Like 8lbs for $15, which supposedly is enough to dispose of several bodies. Anywho…. In Mexican cartel disposal style… you just cook that body up in a big vat of lye. Heat that up to around 300 degrees and in a matter of 3 hours you will have yourself something tan in the consistency of mineral oil. You will need to have it pressurized though, otherwise you will never get it much above the boiling point of water… 212 degrees, in which case it could take several hours longer to process. But hey… you have that kind of time… go for it. Once it cools off, you can just pour it down the drain. You may want to use a wire mesh basket to pour it through to catch any small bone fragments that may have survived the process. You can just crush those up into fine powder and scatter them wherever the wind may blow them. It’s all good. Or if you really think you absolutely have to have a momento… you might be able to throw them in a rock polisher for a little while and make yourself a shiny new human bone fragment pendant. No one will recognize what it is after that process…. well, almost nobody.
- Using Sulfuric Acid: Being as this is a common component in bomb making… you may find it difficult to get your hands on, being a highly monitored substance and all. But it dissolves more completely than Lye. In the 1940’s John George Haigh (A British psycho) used this stuff to dispose of at least 6 of his victims bodies. He just put them in some 45 gallon drums and let them cook for 2 days. Of course, again… the fumes will really get you… you need a well ventilated area that isn’t going to tip off others as they saunter by the homestead.
Well… there we have it. I think the one thing we can all agree on is that murdering someone and then disposing the body so that you don’t get caught can be pretty time consuming. Best to either just learn to control yourself or make sure that you have the time to clean up after yourself.
If you have any thoughts, questions, criticism or comments… please feel free to place them below. I look forward to it.