So right now….. I’m sitting here with a huge wave of sadness crushing me. Why? Why am I sad? No idea… but the pain I feel in my chest is similar to having one’s heart crushed by the person they love the most or losing someone close. I cry…. and I just want to cry more.
The problem is…. There is no reason to feel this way. I was supposed to give a massage today but it got cancelled. Medical emergency. Not mine.
I was planning on being picked up by a complete stranger and carpooling dow to Toppenish to have a crafty evening with the ladies of Vulkenfeldt, whom for the most part, I am pretty sure I have never met. However…. what if I should break down and start crying for no flipping reason. They are going to think I’m insane.
So… I think I will wait until I’m not feeling so………………… intense for lack of a better word. Maybe better to just finish out Rome and do some more knitting.
I got the feeling last night when an friend was giving me a little pep talk that he thought I was feeling this way over a man. Not the case. Has nothing to do with anyone but me and my psychotically stupid brain chemistry. Not to say that having someone around that loves me wouldn’t be helpful.. but that is not what the issue is.
I think it’s difficult for others to understand how tiresome this battle is if they’ve never experienced it. Working helps… when I have a schedule and I am working, I can go into autopilot if I need to. But when there is no work…. I just cease to function. I wish it was something I could just shoot dead or cut off it’s head or some physical monster that I could attempt to destroy… but it isn’t…. I can’t reach it or grab it or stomp it…..
Stupid invisible monster.