It’s all nothing but a big bunch of Empty…. Why so serious then?

Gaté,
gaté,
paragaté,
parasamgaté.
Bodhi!
Svaha!

Which means:

Gone,
gone,
gone over,
gone fully over.
Awakened!
Hail the Goer!

This is from The Heart Sutra…. It is about Emptiness…. referring to the fact that no thing, including human existence, is substantial, which in turn means that no thing is permanent and no thing is totally independent of everything else.

Everything in the world is attached to everything else. constantly fluxing, moving changing. In the Buddhist teaching a deep appreciation of this concept saves us from the suffering that is caused by our egos, our attachments, and our resistance to change and loss.

You might be thinking now… well then, what’s the point? If it’s all empty and meaningless?

It is an experience for the energy that resides within the prison we call a body. Every thing you learn is through experience…. and if you realize that this experience… this human existence… is possibly likened to a college course for the soul that resides within… well then, everything you do, say, experience in this form is just a learning tool for your actual essence. And if that is the case….. you can do whatever you want, without fear…… granted…. you shouldn’t put other’s learning experiences at peril… so just killing others
for the sake of killing others should probably be kept out of the equation. (Regardless of those we know desperately need to be removed from existence… it is not our job)  Leave that to the psycho killers… I personally think they will be passing on to another place.

So why should the feeling of sorrow, the feeling of wanting to be done with my stint here overwhelm me. Why should I be so tired of this human experience if I have so much more that I want to learn. And I do… I want to learn. I want to experience and love and enjoy this time here… (Which according to the Mayan calendar there may or may not be much left of). And yet, I cannot seem to make myself move. You have no idea the considerable amount of effort it takes to push myself to write or to do my 200 flights of stairs. I feel good and accomplished when I do these things… but the urge to lay here and wish I would just fall asleep and not wake up is overwhelming. The longing for the joining of souls with another in love and strength is overwhelming. I am told by the friends that love me that really there is nothing so horribly wrong with me that someone shouldn’t love me the way that I love them…. and yet…. here I sit… alone. Because the souls I love in the way I wish to be loved… cannot, or will not return that love.

You say I have a bad picker. I still cannot comprehend how you get to pick who you have those types of feelings for. It’s either there or it’s not. I can love you deeply… but it does not mean I want to have a relationship with you in that way. It’s frustrating. I have some wonderful men in my life that I know if I let them would treat me like a queen. But I just don’t feel that way about them…. and it sucks… because they deserve someone to feel that way about them. Hell, the person I am currently in love with treats me better than any man has ever treated me… and we can’t even be together. It’s all secret squirrel. Why? Because it would hurt someone we both care for immensely…. and no, he is NOT married.

At any rate…. according the heart sutra… the end of all suffering… none of this matters… and therefore, why do I suffer over it? Honestly? I think it is because it’s about the experience of suffering…… LOL Joy and rapture. I wonder if this profound revelation will help me through it?

And before we go off think that my struggle with depression is about my love life, it is not. It would just be nice to have someone who understands me and loves me to be supportive when I am having those really rough moments where my own internal pep talk is not helping… (these moments come more often than I would like to admit lately) To have that person who without even trying,  makes me want to be a better person…. and so the support they give doesn’t require much effort either…. odd that.

I wish I was manic… at least then I’d have some uber productive up moments……..

Meanwhile… planning a new tattoo………

Advertisements

Cram your thoughts down my throat. It makes me happy.... come on... just do it!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s