I have no focus what-so-ever this morning. None.
I keep saying I should write… I have nothing to write about. I take that back. I get these great topics in my head but I am generally in the middle of something else and so they get set aside and then when I try to think back on them I’ve forgotten or the fire is gone or whatever.
So today I am just going to write about this week.
This week I discovered the full force of blackness from someone’s heart. I’ve known her for 16 years…. I’ve seen her use people. Take from people. Pretend to be something that she is not to get everything she has. I’ve seen her in her drama, and sometimes been pulled into the middle of it. I’ve seen her drugged out, drunk, angry, sad, mad, happy. And she’s never worked a real job… oh wait… she was a stripper once…. That’s a real job. But she didn’t do that for very long. And there were a lot of drugs involved.
In the past 5 years she has made a lot of change in her life. She started going to AA and stopped drinking. She started going to church and became a bible thumper. She puts on this angelic face. She plays the victim very well. And God forbid you cross her…. because that is when the ugly comes out. I cannot imagine why I ever thought that at some point it would not be directed at me.
She became like every emotionally abusive man I’ve ever been with. 10-fold.
She took everything she knows about me. Every insecurity, fear, sadness, from my life and she shoved it in my face in the worst possible, most hurtful possible way. Over and over and over again. And when I ceased to respond, she went to my 16 year old daughter and told her these things about her mother. My daughter’s response was “You are behaving like a high schooler. You need to grow up, be a bigger person and leave my mother alone.”
My daughter received no response back. What can you say to a 16 yr old who just told you… the person who is supposed to be the grown up… to grow the hell up. Not much.
What is even worse is that all of her accusations and belittlements came from jealousy and anger. Unfounded jealousy for that matter. And because I refuse to help her hurt someone that I have watched her crush over and over and over again in the past 16 years all because he loves her. He’s at the point now where he is realizing… she never loved him. Am I still feeling a little butt hurt… yes I am. But I know I am not the names she called me. I am not the person she accused me of being. And so…. when her own twin sister says she is wacked and not to let it bother me… It will take a little while…. but, I’ll get over it.
You ever notice how when someone who doesn’t know you judges you or accuses you or whatever…. it doesn’t matter that much and you move on. But when it is someone you have known and trusted for any lengthy period of time and they do it… It’s like this huge betrayal. They’ve just taken all your innermost thoughts and feelings and turned them on you. It’s like they accumulated all this information on you just for this day. It’s a little painful. Because I truly loved her with all my heart. Still do. But I do not want her back in my life. Ever. Not even if she needs shelter from zombies. Oh sure… I’ll protect your kids… but you, my dear, are zombie fodder. Not to mention, as far as input in the group, you’d be pretty worthless… so… yeah. zombie fodder.
I know… this kind of makes me sound like a serious bitch. But all of us have an inner bitch. I just generally don’t let mine out.
After that, the week got better. I went out last night. Yes… out in public. How crazy is that shit? I went out and had chinese dinner with a friend of mine and then he went with me to see my daughter’s play. She doesn’t have a lead role in it… but it was good anyway.
Last night I had odd sleep and a continuing conversation in a dream I cannot remember. But I would wake up and then when I went back to sleep it would continue where it left off. I wish I could remember it because I feel somehow that it is important.
There is something inside of me that so desperately wants motivation. I have so many things I want to do…. why can’t I do them? It is so odd to feel that way. I think… I’ll just do this… I’ll just do it and I get up to get started and I get sidetracked and then I can’t remember what I was in the process of doing…. and by the time I remember I am in the middle of something else and then I just get frustrated. Grrrrrrrrrrr
And people wonder why I just want to lay in bed and cry. Then there are those days where I go through the whole Bette Midler routine of “Why Bother?”
Yeah… that’s pretty much how I feel a lot of the time… LOL Except for when I watch that. I just laugh and laugh. It’s one of my favorites by her.
At any rate…. I think I shall stop talking about nothing and attempt to do something… like shower… and wash my newly frizzed hair. Maybe I will finish knitting this hat… oh…. maybe I will finally make my new knitting needle roll since I bought the batting for it yesterday. Why bother? Because I desire to be functional. That’s why.