Who the hell are you and where did I go?

So… I’ve been trying to be diligent in my workout… but it’s difficult because when the parental units are home the only place to workout is in my room… I can do my stairs in there… but that’s about it. Pilates is right out. There is no room. So now that they’ve come back from their trip I’m screwed again. It’s very frustrating.

I have also found in the last several weeks that there is a whooshing sound to the beat of my heart in my right ear. It hurts slightly…. which for me could be bad, because constant pain for me is far more tolerable than it is to others. Meaning… my pain level is at a 3… but for that guy over there in the same amount of pain…. he’s at a 12. I looked up similar conditions and no one seems to be able to describe it very well. Mine is like the sound you hear when they listen to the unborn baby’s heartbeat during an ultrasound. That’s the exact whooshing noise. But it’s intermittent. More when I am laying down or when I exert myself. Sometimes it’s a little maddening….

*sigh*

I need space to recollect myself. I told a friend, who told me to keep fighting that I was tired. Like I need a nap from life. He told me to take my nap… and then to wake up. I had no response but to cry. I’ve been trying to wake up for over 2 years now. Actually… I think it’s been more than that. I know what I need to do… but I don’t know how to make the space I need to do it. I feel like I’m slowly losing every part of me that I love.

I love people. I love meeting new people. Exchanging ideas with them. Getting to know them… except…. now… I don’t want to go out in the world to meet them. It makes me very uncomfortable. When you share yourself with others they use it against you. People are horrible creatures. I feel sometimes that I am just living in a nightmare I can’t wake up from and regardless of what my hopeful heart says.. my mind is starting to take control of the situation. Don’t share yourself with people and no one can hurt you.

Except I am a social animal… and I feel like I’m slowly going insane. What good is learning the things I want to learn if I can’t share those things with others? How can I learn from others if I can’t stand to be around others?

Where did I go? Who is this woman? I don’t like her. I hate what she knows how to do for a living. I hate how she feels sad all the time. And I hate that I am locked in a sound proof box deep inside of her and no one can hear me screaming.

Good Mythical Morning~!!!!!

Well Good morning…..

Or GOOD MYTHICAL MORNING! Yes…. I’m pimping a vlog. I watch these guys and today is “Bring a Friend to Good Mythical Morning” day on their show… so I thought I would introduce you all to Rhett and Link…. cause they are actually pretty humorous.

 

 

Please enjoy them and share them with your friends….. they actually make me laugh in the morning, which I think is an amazing start to my day, considering how my day normally starts out with me attempting to convince myself that getting out of bed and accomplishing ANYTHING AT ALL is a good idea. I considered vlogging myself… but I just can’t motivate myself to look good enough to want to be seen by the world on the intertubes. *rolling eyes*

Alright…. So here are some things you may or may not know about severe depression. Lack of motivation. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything…. I have a lot of things that I WANT to do. Here is where it gets difficult to explain… the overall ever stifling feeling of…. why bother. I keep telling myself that I will feel better for my own accomplishments… except that when I do accomplish something… I don’t feel any different than I did before I put forth all the effort to accomplish it… therefore… why bother. No one cares, and neither do I. Which sucks… because I want to care.

I said “some things,” didn’t I? Dammit… I think lack of motivation is the head of everything really…. I haven’t showered in 4 days. Great for my hair… but I feel really gross about that. Really gross. I mean… ewwwwwww!!!!!

In fact… hold on… I’m gonna go shower.

There…. I feel better and at the same time… not. I wish I could describe it…. I just can’t.

I find I do much better when I am on a schedule. When I have a job or a task to complete… but when you are making your own schedule and you have that feeling of “why bother?” it doesn’t work out so well.

I used to have a schedule… I would get up at 4am, fold the laundry in the dryer while my water was boiling for my tea, then I would switch the laundry and start a new load. I would then make my tea and sit down and write in my blog… not this blog… the one I was writing before I stopped writing all together. Then I would get ready for work, send the kiddos to school and then go to work. I would come home… fix dinner, do stuff with the kids and go to bed. Even when my life began to fall apart, I had a schedule…. I could be on autopilot and I could function… get motivated even.

Now.. I have no job. I’ve been looking for over 2 years. Apparently 18 years of experience means nothing because I do not have a degree. How does experience mean nothing?

Am I miserable and pathetic? Yes. I am. And I’m not. I’m a good person. I’ve worked hard to take care of my kids all their lives. I’ve given selflessy to others…. and I have been far too trusting. As a result…. I have not much to show for anything…. except for my amazing kids. Who are amazing, by the way.

Now…. I’m just lost. I have no goals because I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of whatever the hell this existence of mine is. There are a million things I want to do… but that’s when the “why bother?” hits me. Frack! I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I keep telling myself, just do it… and I don’t… I can’t seem to make myself move. And it doesn’t help when people come in and talk down to me. “You should do this” “You should do that” “Just do it” bla bla bla…. you have no idea what this feels like and I have no idea how to explain it to you so that you will understand. But I don’t want to feel this way….. I’m so tired of feeling this way. Even on the days where you that know me think that I am not feeling this way… I still do. I’m just shoving it inside because there is some part of me that still believes in that credo “Fake it till you make it.” *sigh*

I don’t know what to do. So…. I’m just going to put lotion on… because my skin likes it and I should do things for my skin that it likes. And I am going to finish my tea and have a glass of water to go with it… because I don’t drink enough water. I am going to get dressed… because that is what normal people do every day. I am going to drive my daughter to school to take her tests. Later, we are going to plan out a schedule for her… because even though she wants to be in charge of her own schedule… she gets off track… because that is what 16 yr olds do. I’m going to work out later… because I will have room to do so. The parental units are going away for the weekend. Sweet. I can dance naked in the house if I want.
Tomorrow I have to do concessions for the play. I don’t want to. But I will, because I said that I would and I like to do what I say I am going to do.

Why did I just list off all that crap for you? Because I needed to for myself. I know you don’t give a rats ass.

So. Go watch Good Mythical Morning with Rhett and Link. Cause they are hilarious.