So… I’ve been trying to be diligent in my workout… but it’s difficult because when the parental units are home the only place to workout is in my room… I can do my stairs in there… but that’s about it. Pilates is right out. There is no room. So now that they’ve come back from their trip I’m screwed again. It’s very frustrating.
I have also found in the last several weeks that there is a whooshing sound to the beat of my heart in my right ear. It hurts slightly…. which for me could be bad, because constant pain for me is far more tolerable than it is to others. Meaning… my pain level is at a 3… but for that guy over there in the same amount of pain…. he’s at a 12. I looked up similar conditions and no one seems to be able to describe it very well. Mine is like the sound you hear when they listen to the unborn baby’s heartbeat during an ultrasound. That’s the exact whooshing noise. But it’s intermittent. More when I am laying down or when I exert myself. Sometimes it’s a little maddening….
I need space to recollect myself. I told a friend, who told me to keep fighting that I was tired. Like I need a nap from life. He told me to take my nap… and then to wake up. I had no response but to cry. I’ve been trying to wake up for over 2 years now. Actually… I think it’s been more than that. I know what I need to do… but I don’t know how to make the space I need to do it. I feel like I’m slowly losing every part of me that I love.
I love people. I love meeting new people. Exchanging ideas with them. Getting to know them… except…. now… I don’t want to go out in the world to meet them. It makes me very uncomfortable. When you share yourself with others they use it against you. People are horrible creatures. I feel sometimes that I am just living in a nightmare I can’t wake up from and regardless of what my hopeful heart says.. my mind is starting to take control of the situation. Don’t share yourself with people and no one can hurt you.
Except I am a social animal… and I feel like I’m slowly going insane. What good is learning the things I want to learn if I can’t share those things with others? How can I learn from others if I can’t stand to be around others?
Where did I go? Who is this woman? I don’t like her. I hate what she knows how to do for a living. I hate how she feels sad all the time. And I hate that I am locked in a sound proof box deep inside of her and no one can hear me screaming.