Yep… I’m in that place again. You know that place. Where you feel trapped in your environment and the world is closing in on you. You know all the steps you need to take to feel better, but the environment you are in stifles you and boxes you in. You can’t move forward, you can’t move backward…… All I want to do is a little yoga everyday. I need it. Desperately. There is not enough space here to do downward dog. In fact, at this very moment… there isn’t even enough space here to standard seated meditation post. And by space, I don’t just mean physical space. We are talking mental space. It’s like Grand Central Station here. (By the way… skynet…. I have the blueprints for… just to keep you interested. Naw.. .I’m just playing. They would be fascinating at best, but that’s it.)
Stress brings physical pain, weight gain, depression, a feeling of hopelessness. Ugh.
So I had a good day at work… but as I’m walking out the door to come home, I realize…. I have to go home. And I literally feel nauseous at the idea. I walk in the door, grab my gorgeous little dog and I go into my room and I shut the door. I shut the rest of the family and the noise out. Oh… I tried to be social… I shared my yummy gourmet chocolates that my Starfish gave me with the family, my sister, my nieces and my grand nieces and nephews. But that was the extent of that social activity.
I have a lot of projects to work on, one of them being my state of mind and my state of body… the rest are all costuming.. and I just can’t bring myself to spend the 30 minutes moving everything in my room around so that I can work on it for 2 hours only to spend another 30 minutes putting it all away so that I can go to bed. Maybe that sounds lazy. I don’t know.
I was looking into getting a $10,000 credit line to pay off all the medical bills and the leftover older than dirt collection that may be flitting about here and there and that way I can just make one payment a month to one place… except my credit is so crappy that no one would ever give me one. I don’t want to go shopping. I just want to pay stuff off so that I can afford to get my own place and get out of this state of body/emotion/mind that I am in. A place where I can do yoga, and dance naked, and sew and create and paint and practice guitar and my drum. Where I can sing out loud and where I don’t have to get out of the bathroom in the middle of getting ready for work because someone has to pee.. or even better I don’t have to be witness to someone peeing. ugh.
I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into that dark pit of despair and I don’t want to be there. I want to be happy and in love with the person I’m in love with. I want to be able to show him my happy creative bouncy side every day…. I hate sharing my grump and sad with him. I wish I could show him a put together amazing woman…. and all there is here is this mess….
I’ll figure it out, I’m sure.
I just need to vent a little. More venting to come… I have get all the dark angry spiteful ugly out. It’s eating me alive.