(Day 17 of 100)
I’m having a tough time with this. As I do with many things. I know… you could judge me and call me a slacker. Or a flake or whatever. I posted something about depression and how it effects you in ways that other people just can’t understand because they have never experienced it. And honestly that is what it is. I think to myself after work…. “I’m going to go home and work out and write and do this, that, and the other thing.” and then I get here… and nothing happens. There is this little part of me screaming at me to do it and there is this other part of me whispering “why bother?” I am angry that the whispering part always seems to win. I think, I will get up earlier and write…. I wake up early and spend the morning petting my dog and catching up on what my friends that I never get to hang out with our see anymore are doing in their lives via their posts on facebook. I feel detached and lonely. And now I want to cry. That will last the rest of the morning, dammit!
This morning I posted this on FB: “You are fooled by your mind into believing there is tomorrow, so you may waste today.” ~Isihin Yoshimoto
So…. if today were your last day, what would you do? I would definitely not be going to work. I would go to my man’s house, I would get him and his kids and the suburban and I would get my kids and we would drive all the way out to the most Northwest tip of the American Continent… and we would marvel at the blue water and amazing view and smell the woods around us… and I would tell them how much they mean to me. I would give all my hoards of fabric and yarn to my starfish. I would take a million photographs of me with the people that mean the most to me. I would go bungee jumping. I would jump out of a plane with my bestie. I would call the President and tell him to read the constitution and to encourage American citizens to do it as well. There are so many things I would do. Why am I doing none of those things now?
I am so tired of just surviving. Of working my ass off to do so and not ever really being ahead. I don’t feel like I have anything really to look forward to but a lifetime of servitude and that I will never, ever, be able to do the things in life that I would rather be doing as a job or as a partner. And if I am ever able to do those things… I will be too old and broken and worn down to do them without being in so much pain that it I will no longer find joy in doing them. I feel my creativity fading. It comes to me and floats gently and slowly away and I have ceased trying to catch it because….. why bother? I have no time or space to do anything with it anyway. The people that have known me for a long time used to know this loud showy extrovert who is still in there.. but she is trapped inside the chained closed box of an introvert. What is the point of trying to get out of the box? Ugh. and there you have it…. the depression has taken over my blog.
I would spend my last day making sure that the people I love the most know how very much I love them. That is what I was trying to say. Daniel, Johanna, Tim, Samantha, Emily, Reid, Linara, Brandie, All the kidlets, all the starfish kidlets, Boo, Tamara, Dena, and everyone… they know who they are. Every person on my FB that has touched my life so profoundly……. I love you. I appreciate you. You are amazing… I could spend hours writing out why about each person…. But I’m going to get ready for work now. Back to the servitude.