Oh Hi!!!!

I was going to write today…. I did write today… but it was just a lot of word vomit. So I erased it all. I think I’m just going to read. I let all the word vomit come out and my migraine has returned and my motivation is now… gone. So there’s a lesson for you…. leave the word vomit in. Because once it starts to come out it’s like a projectile vomiting dragon that flies around languidly spewing on everyone below. And I don’t care what Dane Cook says. It does not feel good and it is not magical and you do not feel better afterwards…. or maybe that only applies to after you’ve been drinking………

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I’m gonna go read now. And then maybe I will feel like sewing later.

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Becoming Hostile towards others

I am beginning to feel hostile towards people that I should be loving towards. This is a hard thing for me to feel. I don’t like it.

So…..I’m going to take another moment to vent. Have you ever had a member of your family who consistently takes and never gives? In fact… they seem to expect the free ride and cannot understand why other family members feel so put off by them? Maybe I’m that family member. I don’t know. If I am… I wish someone would tell me. But I try not to be. I try to put out my fair share. And in fact, I feel incredibly uncomfortable getting charity from others. I wonder why others do not feel this way. Feeling grateful is one thing. Feeling as though it is somehow owed to you is quite another.

A young member of my family, who started very early in life on making babies (she currently has 3 now of school age) has moved back into town. She has a long history of making bad life decisions. I do not want to hold this against her. We all have made at least one dumb decision in our lives. I, myself, have made several. She is working… although incredibly slowly… at getting her life together. Although some focus would be good, for she has NONE.

However… it is very difficult when she repeatedly has my parents bail her out of EVERYTHING. When she posts things on her facebook about how her new smart phone was a great investment that she strongly recommends to others. Why does this irritate me? Because she didn’t pay for it. My parents paid for it. And they are paying for her phone account as well. I don’t think you should speak about the value of an investment that others are making for you. She probably doesn’t even have a clue how much it costs. All she knows is that she got a new smart phone for free and doesn’t even have to pay the monthly costs associated with it.

She sold her mobile home, which none of the other family members know exactly how she purchased as she has not had a job for God knows how long, nor a savings account to speak of. We can only assume it was purchased by our parents. (They purchased the home my sister currently lives in for her… although, she is currently paying the mortgage.) The question has been delicately posed by several people… but no answer has been forthcoming… by anyone.

In the past, when she visits, she expects everyone else to attend to her children and she does not clean up after them. When she does attend to them, she is overly attentive and overly accepting of bad behavior. She refuses to punish, but talks her way gently through the ordeal, making it last 1 hour vs 5 minutes. Heck… all I had to do was look at my daughter and say… “you want a cold shower?” and she would stop immediately, whatever it was. (This consisted of 1/2 a second of cold water if that, in case you were about to get all up in arms. Basically the equivalent of throwing a pitcher of water at them. And it only happened one time. It had that big of an impact.)

She is now currently living with her mother (they have a very large 5 or 6 bedroom house) but her children are going to the gradeschool in my parents neighborhood. So she has to drive them out in the morning and pick them up at night. For the past 2 days I have come home to a house full of children + their mother eating dinner. And last night they stayed the night. I can see where this is going. Already I have had to remove ALL of my things from the bathroom because they are being used without being asked if they could be used. Some of these are consumables…. and I don’t mean things you can eat, and they are things that I currently am in need of, so me coming home to find 1/3rd of them missing is NOT okay.

I try very hard to be respectful of my parents and their space… I am living in their home. And I attempt to keep my foot print at a bare minimum and confine my junk to my room. But it stresses me out a little bit when people who don’t even live there are leaving a bigger foot print than those that are… and they don’t even seem to give two shits about it. And I can see it now… they are going to end up living there again. My Father will go insane and my mother and I will be drug along for the ride.

I would love to move out on my own… but until I finish paying off some necessary things (i.e. taxes, medical bills for myself and the kids, and things I helped the kids with) But believe me… I will be finding my own place once that is done. *sigh* Because honestly… The stress of 3 crying children (and they do cry a lot… they are very sensative children) and dad being stressed about the constant noise and mess, etc… I don’t think I am mentally equipped to deal. It’s only been 2 days and dad already snapped at the middle boy for having an emotional breakdown over broccolli. We shall see.

Dear God… grant me the serenity to change the things I can and accept the things I cannot…. Also… please pass me a good dark German beer. We can enjoy it together as we meditate on this prayer. (Some AA members may take offense to this. To them I say… Lo Ciento… I can’t please everyone.)

Why do my Tuesday’s act like Mondays?

Why do my Tuesdays act like Mondays and my Mondays are just normal? It’s like I’m bass-ackwards or something. Mondays are usually just fine for me. The weekend is over, it’s the first day of the week. I pop out of bed, usually early, I am early to work. I’m ready to go and Shyte gets done.

But Tuesday… that is a completely different story. It’s like somehow my consciousness doesn’t get the message that a new week has started until 24 hours too late. I have trouble sleeping Monday night, I wake up late. I hit every stop light on the way to work. I shake and drop and spill things everywhere. I can’t seem to switch gears quickly back and forth the way I can on any other day. Tuesday just sucks.

I Google’d this phenomenon and apparently this is a common thing. So… I’m not feeling too terrible about it. I mean… I’m not grumpy. I am in a really great mood, actually…. it just feels like everything is just not going smoothly. Grrrr.

On a total life over all aspect I’m noticing that I have to work harder to stay fit. My thinking is not as clear as it used to be. I’m horribly distracted most of the time. And I am hating it. So…. things need to change. Lots of things need to change. And that is a full on life thing. Not just one little thing at a time. I am really going to have to buckle under, suck it up, and just get my azz in full on change mode. *insert deep breath here.* I’ll be 45 in 2 days. Yea me…….?

I’m sure it doesn’t help that this is not what I want to be doing with my life. I am so tired of doing what I have to do to get by, vs doing what I’d love to be doing. I’m not sure how to make that happen or if I’m ever going to be able to… I have the horrible feeling that it just isn’t going to happen. I could go in and agree with my doctors that I have fibro & Chronic fatigue disorder and get on disability…. and then I could do what I want to be doing for a living because I’d have free days to do it.  I just can’t seem to do it. Aside from the fact that what I do for a living is not really inhibited by my issues. So… there’s that. I’m just not a work the system kind of girl. WTF is wrong with me? Oh yes….. I have values and stuff. *shrug*

anyway… my lunch is almost over, and I have a crap-ton to do… so we are off. Ciao babies. Please feel free to post thoughts. I like your thoughts.

WARNING!: It could be you I’m writing about.

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That’s right. It could be you I’m writing about. Here’s the thing. Only you and I know it unless someone else is reading it was there… which is highly unlikely. I don’t name names. I don’t point fingers.

This is MY blog. This is where I go to write my thoughts and my feelings and my ideas and my stories… (not that I have written any stories here as I have an insane fear of people stealing my work that I will probably never publish) This is where I write the things that bug me to get them out so that I am not holding on to them and letting them eat me alive. If you happen to be a person that did something that bothered me enough for me to write about it… be happy I got it out so we can both move on. If you are butt-hurt about it, from a psychological standpoint… it would only be because you know you messed up. My getting it out and getting over it is my way of forgiving you. Maybe now you need to figure out a way to get over it. I would hope that you could be as respectful about it as I have been.

I am a human being… and just like you, I get ugly sometimes. This is my place to do that. Most of the time, I’m told, I’m a fairly beautiful person. And I would like to think that is true. If you are going to un-friend me because you didn’t like my moment of ugliness while I was being open and honest in my process of word vomiting the negative out and away from me so that I could continue being a friend that only thinks of you with happy thoughts, go on with your bad self. Being a true friend is being open and honest. It is not getting butt hurt when someone is honest with you. And it is making it a point to be understanding and accepting of that person, just as they should be with you. It doesn’t mean you aren’t going to irritate each other. It just means that you value more the non-irritating things.

This is me. This is my blog… and this is where I word-vomit. If you hate it, you don’t have to read it.

 

Work issues….

I am feeling frustrated today.

There is a function I perform at work that I am not allowed to perform until it is reviewed and actions made upon that review are complete and it is handed to me.

This would make sense if I was unable to complete that review and act upon the review before performing my function… except that I have performed the review before…. I know how to do it. I know what actions to take and when it is not done in a timely manner I am sitting her picking my nose because I have nothing to do and then later a backlog is created because my alotted time to do that function is not enough to do 2 or 3 or 4 days worth,  causing my other functions to become backlogged and then I don’t get those done in a timely manner… and those have to be done in a timely manner… no ifs, ands, or buts. (those functions are also contingent upon her.)

I feel like I’m still a fracking temp.I’m not a temp. I do your internal IT work and I have all your passwords and the ability to change them!
Just saying.

And people think I’m silly for wanting to just do my art from home and sell that. At least I would be frustrated about something I enjoy.

I need a beer. It’s not even lunch time yet. Or I need to go running. Get warmer faster. Old man winter… you are dismissed!

Bad blogger

I’ve been a bad bad blogger. I’ve spent over a week away from home and did not drag my laptop along with me, so hence… no blogging. It is not that I didn’t want to blog… I guess I just did not make a strenuous effort to do so. Things I did this week… went to my movie premier. Dressed like Jessica Rabbit…. and now that I’m thinking about that I should pop over to the movie site and see if the red carpet pics are up yet… hold on…. Nope… still not up. *sad face*

Then my parents were sick… and I DO NOT WANT!! So I spent the rest of the week at my Love’s house. I had to take 2 days off of work to drive over and help my daughter clean her apartment and finish getting her moved out. Stayed at my sons… took all the kids to a tavern and had dinner. Chicken fried bacon with gravy as an appetizer… my heart hurts just thinking about it… it was fabulous! Stopped and was introduced to my brand new baby 2nd cousin… adorable! then came back only to help my Love’s oldest daughter pack her stuff in the trailer to move to Oregon. I also relocated a guinea pig. I don’t feel like I accomplished much though. I wonder why that is? Maybe it’s because I have a TON of sewing I need to get on. So… home I go this evening to finish rearranging the space, yet again, so that I can get on that. I would very much like to have the recently commissioned work finished by the end of the week. The letting out of a Kilt and the piecing together of a Monks habit or robes or whatever you would like to call them.

Then I have sweaters to make just in time for summer. LOL. Hand panties to ship that have been waiting to ship for far too long. It will be a grand surprise for the owners to get them. I’m sure they have forgotten them by now. *Sigh*

My Love’s middle daughter had a breakup recently I think. (Thank God… the boy was a douche-canoe beyond measure. I feel sorry for his family though… they loved her.) I did not know if I should ask her about it or not. She had a friend over to comfort her… so I let it be, but today I tweeted her about True love and to stay beautiful and strong. She Favorited it… and that made me feel pretty good. Because I really do love those kids.

Well… I’m at work… and it’s the middle of the day. And we all know that if i blog in the middle of the day it’s crap and has no substance. So I hope you enjoyed my empty blog. LOL