Some thoughts on my dysfunctional family

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(The above photo is from ABC’s fabulously funny comedy hit series “Modern Family”. I do not own it. They do. I’m just using it because all dysfunctional families probably wish they were this one, or at least I do.)

This  morning I have some thoughts about my family. Now before I begin, let me first say I am far from perfect, I have at many times in my life been dysfunctional. Opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got one…. including me. I put this disclaimer in here because at least one member of my family will probably read this. She is near to being my favorite member of the family, and no… I’m not trying to kiss your butt.  Out of all my siblings, that particular one is the one I feel the closest to. Which is kind of sad when you think about it… but that is an entirely different blog. At any rate… most of you don’t know me. And most of you definitely do not know the members of my family. That is why, for the most part, venting here is safe. And if I don’t vent I am sure that I will develop some horrible incurable disease from holding it all in.

So… here goes…..

I’ve been house sitting my boyfriend’s house and I have been away from my house for a little over a week. My boyfriend just got home yesterday with his kids and his son wants to go snowboarding today. We decided that while he does that with his friends, we will go snowshoeing, versus sitting in the lodge all day bored out of our minds or driving all the way back down from the pass and then all the back up to get him later. So last night we go by my house to grab my snow pants and gloves and a hat and my mother says to me…. “By the way, I don’t know if you knew or not, but there is a birthday party for so-and-so and so-and-so and so-and-so tomorrow.” I look at her and say….. “Well…. I’m going snowshoeing tomorrow… so I will not be able to make it.” And she responds…. “Well I’m sure I told you about it already. You must have forgot.”  In the previous sentence that came out of your face, mother… you said “I don’t know if you knew or not.” Which immediately gives one the impression that you are unsure whether or not anyone told me. On top of that, I have been away from the house for well over a week. When, exactly, did you tell me?

*Insert deep sigh here* Let me give you some background about birthday parties in my family. There are anywhere from 1 to 5 birthdays per month in my family. I think there is only one month out of the entire year that there is 1 birthday. It seems as though we have a birthday party every other weekend. I usually do not hear about them until a few days before they are planned. A lot of this has to do with people’s work schedules, etc. Here’s a thought….. Why don’t we just set a date… .like the last weekend of every month… and that is birthday party day. If we all know that… then we can all plan around that… including  the people with schedules in which they may have to work on the weekend. They can actually hand in a piece of paper at work saying “I am unavailable to work the last Sunday of every month. Period. It’s a family thing.” I imagine, having been a manager, that a work place could appreciate and even respect that. But hey… WTF do I know? This way… the whole family knows when it is. They can plan accordingly well in advance, and no one has to worry about who told who… because this has been planned for fracking year. This is how it always is. If you can’t be there, you can’t be there. You knew when it was. I think it would make it a lot easier for the rest of us. Instead of this every two weeks and you told me at the last minute crap. There is a part of me that feels a little shitty for not dropping the plans I made before finding out about the party today… and then there is the part of me that says… you know what… it’s standard practice for my family not to tell me important things till the last minute or after the fact…. so I’m not going to beat myself up over it. Not to mention I don’ t even have enough money to buy these three people a birthday card, much less a present… so…. yeah.. Payday is on the 8th.

Second rant….

I’ve heard some family gossip… I should probably call some people on get both sides of the story… but I’m just going to put my current thoughts out there…. because regardless… I don’t think my thoughts are going to change.

Supposedly a member of my family elbowed another member of my family in the throat. My first thought on this is….. I don’t know many people who are not trained in hand to hand combat who can execute this move flawlessly on purpose… nor would they even think to. I think in day to day life with normal people this would occur on accident in the process of some other physical altercation… but that is just my thought. The alleged aggressor has been known to be a little feisty if provoked… but she is definitely not trained in any sort of combat as far as I know. Also… she is in the health care industry and I would imagine that she would know that a blow to the throat may be fatal and so I really can’t imagine her doing it on purpose. But what do I know. I don’t know anything about my family until after the fact. For all I know, she’s a trained assassin. The alleged victim in this action is known to be a fabulous little provoker that doesn’t know when to stop provoking. I’m fairly positive that  almost everyone in the family has considered bitch slapping or body slamming him to the ground at least once or twice. Not to say that he isn’t a good kid. He can be. He just has a smart mouth… that is not very smart.

That being said… the alleged aggressor is the only one of that part of the family that has actually achieved and followed through with something in her life that can eventually get her into a good career if she does continual education that will help her be functional and financially stable so that even if she is single she can take care of her kids and have a place of her own if she is smart.  I mention this because the gossip is that the parents of the victim (who’s home she lives in) allegedly filed assault charges against her. Great. I can see where you would do that to a stranger or an acquaintance. I could also see it if it were a common occurrence (which I don’t think is the case. I could be wrong.) But this is the one family member who is actually making an effort to get her shit together and an assault charge will ruin that for the rest of her life. So not only are you ruining her life… but the life of her kids. Way to go. But hey… no one called CPS on the two nieces who desperately needed their kids taken away from them for at least a little while. I’m just saying. Pick your battles people…. and think them through first. If you wanted to punish her… just kick them out of the house.

So… my rant may make my whole family hate me. Or at least the one that reads it. Honestly… I’ve gotten to the point where I am just not feeling like holding things in anymore. And that also… is an entirely different blog. I’m going to go now. There is snowshoeing about to happen and I have to consider more coffee and getting ready… and possibly breakfast. I rarely do breakfast.

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Cram your thoughts down my throat. It makes me happy.... come on... just do it!

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