The Fear of Giving

I have a lot on my mind today. I had an idea for this blog title about a week or so ago at the hight of all the brouhaha over the Syrian refugee thing, but I realized the more I thought about it that it encompasses so much more of our daily lives. And as I sit and write this, it even touches on what is heavy on my mind and heart today (Which by the way, I’m not writing about. So.. if you want to stop reading now. It’s ok)

What happens to us when we give? It can have a lot to do with perspective I guess. Some people give with the expectation of receiving something in return. Praise, recognition, compensation of some sort. Those people generally become angry or bitter when the result of giving does not meet there expectations. There are those who give simply to help someone else. Sometimes the expectation is that this person will use the gift to help or better themselves. And when they do not, that can also lead to anger or bitterness.

Some people give without any expectation. For example, when you buy the groceries for the person on the grocery line behind you that you’ve never met or will probably never see again. When you buy coffee for the car in the line behind you. When you give to a charity. You may never know, or see how it touches that person. But it generally leaves you feeling good, doesn’t it? But can you give in that manner to those that are close to you? You say “Sure. Why wouldn’t I?” What if it was a regular thing? There are those that would never ask you for your gift. Ever. I find that when giving to those that do not ask…. I don’t think back on all the times I have given of myself to them. I don’t count all the times I have helped them. It doesn’t matter. But to those who expect the gift. Who ask for the gift, repeatedly, over and over again. That can become tiresome sometimes. Especially when there are those who could also use your gift who will actually benefit from it in some sort of life altering way.

However, it is human nature to feel as though we should be somehow recognized in someway for giving. It is rare to find ourselves giving just for the sake of doing it. Buying the coffee for the people behind me is nothing. It’s just money. I can make more. I don’t need it at the moment. It does not require recognition. Cooking for my family. This is nothing. It is something I do out of love. It is enough to see them enjoy the meal. But these are small things.

Where do our limits begin? For some it is as simple as giving a homeless person money.  For some it is sharing space. For some it is giving love. There are always expectations. One can’t really say there isn’t. If I give money to a homeless person, I expect for him/her to buy food, or warmth or shelter. There is a 75% chance that in all likelihood they will buy drugs or alcohol. And quite frankly, who can blame them? When we take someone into our homes or we give them shelter, we expect them to be respectful of us, our possessions, and our space. When we give someone our heart, our love, we expect, at the very least for their respect. Even less… maybe they could just treat us with respect, even if they aren’t capable of actually giving it. We want their love in return. But for those who understand that the only person in life that you can control is you…. we get that sometimes that is not the case. And there are so many facets to that… it could encompass a lot of blogs.

I have been a loving person my whole life. Giving of myself to those I care about sometimes to my own detriment. I have taken those lessons and attempted to use them to shape myself in a better way. By attempting to be aware of people that will hurt me, and to distance myself from them. I fear loving someone, because when I do it becomes all encompassing.  I love them with all of me. There in lies my fear. That I will love someone with every fiber of my being. In a way that I cannot clearly define with words. In a way I often wonder if another person is even able to comprehend. I have come to realize that no other person on the planet will probably ever be able to love me in that way. And the only being in the universe who does is God. That possibly imaginary being that I was taught to believe in and always come back to. The one who resides inside me and has  from birth that gives me the drive to give. To be loving. To serve. To share. To help. Without expectation.

I fear that in giving of myself and being turned away, I will end up alone. That all this love I have overflowing will be unreturned and will fall wasted upon the ground. And that I am incapable of finding another way to direct it towards those who are deserving in a manner that will satisfy me and not leave me disappointed. It’s not selfless at all. I wish it were. Even if we don’t get to chose who we love.

What do we fear by helping refugees? Yes, back to that. We fear our safety. We forget to do the research on our own and listen to the fear and hate mongers. What people fail to understand is that there have been, are, and always will be those in the world who wish to dominate and destroy us. There is evil in the world. But the media has given it a face and failed to place the face in all the many places it belongs. So now, we as a whole have a focus… that is very displaced and false. But hey… that’s what they want, right?

The fear of giving essential is taught to us by experience. The experience of pain, of loss, of loneliness, and all those other negative emotions that keep us from succeeding in life. Essentially, I blame it on “the man.” LOL It’s all been orchestrated from the start.

We may not have control of what we fear. But we do have control of our response. And sometimes when we conquer our fear, we make an amazing difference in the world simply by allowing that to be witnessed by others. Giving is much like a yawn. Quite contagious. Some would say that it is an uncontrolled form of empathy. Are you afraid of a yawn?

Anyways… just some of my personal thoughts on giving. I have a lot more. but it is just getting disjointed and not focused, so time to peace out, my babies.





Terrorism, Greed,& Taxes. Oh My.

But do all the evil……


This morning I woke at 3am. As sleep had not returned to me by 4:30, I got up and made tea. Hells to the yeah, I made tea. And here I sit thinking about all the stupid petty shit that I see people arguing about on Facebook. The hate and fear mongering regarding Muslims and the Syrian refugees. The petty arguments about Soda tax. The stupid controversy over the Starbucks cup (yeah.. people are still stuck on that). And it goes on and on and on.

I have a lot of thoughts on all of these topics. And so it’s hard to blog about just one. I don’t feel like I have the focus. I just unfollowed a friend on Facebook today. Did not delete him, but unfollowed him. I thought about it long and hard. When all you post is negative condescending crap every day all day…. there comes a point where I no longer want to swallow your bitter little pill. And in fact…. this morning I am quite tired of everyones bitter little pill.

Here is the one thing I know with my entire being. That we were placed on this earth to love one another. To take care of one another. And all these greedy, fanatical, violent, angry, insecure, sad… and all the other negative attributes you can use to describe humans… are screwing that up.

Do I think we should help the refugees, yes. Do I think there should be a screening process? Yes, and unfortunately it probably should not be a very pleasant one, considering what we are looking for. But I also think that we should be taking care of our own. Our veterans, our homeless, our hungry. (And that’s hard sometimes, because some of those people have no desire to help themselves and will suck you dry.)But if we don’t take care of ourselves, how can we take care of others? We can’t. That isn’t greedy. That is common sense. If you give all of yourself to everyone else, you are left with no resources, no strength and eventually no way to help others. And since that is our purpose here on earth…. wouldn’t it stand to reason that we also care for ourselves? That means we must also protect ourselves.

How do I suggest we do that. What? You want me to make the plan too? Can’t you hive mind it? Do I have to do all the work here? Quite honestly, I can’t. It requires hive mind, truly. You need people from all aspects of he machine to work it out. The problem is that everyone just thinks about themselves and only themselves. Instead of thinking about humanity as a whole. We are one. When you stab me in the back, you are stabbing yourself. When you shoot a room full of people, you may as well have just gone into your living room and opened fire on your entire family.

It seems as I’ve grown older, people are becoming more and more unable to put themselves in the shoes of another before acting. I’m not saying that we should be soft and weak. I’m saying that even if we don’t agree with something, we should be just as open to hearing about it as we are to opening our big fat hot air blowing mouths. Maybe we might learn something from one another.

We need to protect each other from the threat. Yes. Will there be innocent blood, very likely. Casualties of war that some people may call inconsequential. As if they don’t matter. Everyone matters.

My heart is really heavy on this subject. When I look out into the world, and see all the terrible things in it, my heart aches to the point of tears because I see all the terrible things that humans are capable of doing and at the same time I know all the wonderful things we are capable of. And I wonder why everyone doesn’t see that. Not only when they look around them, but when they look at themselves. All those negative feelings are caused by negative thoughts and actions. We all do them. Why don’t we all just start doing positive things. Why don’t we all try doing just one positive thing to help another every day? And once 1 thing gets easy to do everyday, then do 2… and so on.

But I suppose it’s just a lot easier to be selfish. And now I’m going to go be selfish. I’m going to get ready for work and focus on that. You should probably do that too.

Apple, Marzipan & Walnut Pies

Two little pies is what I have for you today, quickly cobbled together because I received a bag of apples from a friend with the comment that they were better for baking than eating. This autumn hasn’t turned out like I expected – the trees carry golden and red foliage but what I’m missing is […]

I’m reblogging this because it’s fabulous! A had some obstacles… ..  Bakeware and ADD. I don’t have ANY 7×5 1/2″ bakeware. So I used my little ramekins which are half the size. I made the mistake of getting preformed puff pastery that you are supposed to bake and fill so I had to roll them out. In the first set, I got distracted and forgot the marzipan. Is ok….Next set I remembered the marzipan and forgot the sugar. Is also ok. 

Anyways…. They are friggen adorable and delicious! I’ll do better next round. 


It’s um…. what day is it? PREPAY DAY!

No really, I don’t know what day it is… hold on…. Monday I felt crummy, Tuesday I felt crummy, Wednesday I felt crummy, stayed at home and lost 5 lbs. (I wish….) Today is Thursday.

Prepay day! Gods I hope my paper comes in early. *please come in early… please come in early…..* Can I request that from UPS? To be the first stop of the day?

What is prepay day, you ask? Well, it’s the first round of prepay letters that we send out to our clients every year offering them to a discount if they prepay for their services for the year 2016. Thereby, locking them in for the year. It’s a great marketing tool, I think. And I just redesigned the whole thing. So excited. You are now on the corner of Savings Ave and Budget St…. because not only are we offering you the opportunity to prepay at a discount, but, if you can’t do that but want to pay an equal payment all season instead of per service (Which can sometimes be a little daunting) We have an easy pay program. Oh yeah. It’s your birthday.

I just read everything I just wrote and now I feel a little weird…. I am way too excited about this…..

I’m gonna go now….


(This totally looks like me, by the way. Totally)

Today we talk about poo…..

So the Starbucks red cup thing is still a thing. Working itself into a fevered internet pitch. It’s become so idiotic it’s severely entertaining. Have you seen Ellen DeGeneres’ take on it? It’s hilarious. But I’m a big fan of Ellen. I could probably just do a whole blog full of Ellen videos and change my blog name to “Ellen’s Paradise of Happiness,” But I won’t.

In other news… I have a strange illness. My handsome man had an odd cold last weekend and I woke up Monday morning feeling a rawness in my sinuses and with a weird band like headache across my eyes and I felt like crud. All day. So the first thing that morning I put a little hydrogen peroxide in each ear and let it bubble out. The next day I just had the headache and it was bad enough that I considered calling in to work, but I did not. Part way thru the day, however, the headache went away. I literally felt fine except for stomach cramps and the thing that often accompanies it. Fortunately it wasn’t so urgent that it got in the way of working, but I did have to spend an embarrassing amount of time in the bathroom. I went home, ate dinner, felt tired but not sick. At 11:30pm more stomach cramps and several urgent trips that lasted more time than I thought necessary and that were more uncomfortable than I thought necessary I opted at about 6am to text my manager…. I’m not coming in today.

It takes a lot for me to call in sick. And it was even more difficult considering that other than the stomach cramps, I feel fine. No fever, no headache. Which makes it really hard for me to justify to myself not going to work… aside from the fact that if I urgently need the restroom, there is only one in the building and if someone is in there, I’ll be going home soon. Or if I’m on the phone with a client… also going home soon.

So here I sit. Blogging about Diarrhea. Are you impressed?


Well you should be… because currently I am NOT full of shit. LMAO!

On the other side of the coin, now I can find a media for my iMac that I can make sign stuff for work on. Good luck with that, eh? And I can think about my winter project list for work without having my creativity interrupted by those pesky phone calls about winterizing their sprinkler system which I will refer to another company because we are done with those. Way to wait till the last minute you silly person, you. *rolling my eyes*

I really am not one to talk. I procrastinate stuff all the time. *shrug*

So… I’ve spent 30 minutes on here talking about mostly poo. Time to go I think. I hope that you all are having a much better day than I. Be productive. Be positive. Be a light unto the world! Peace out.

God loves Starbucks….

Hey guys….

So apparently a bunch of “Christians” are all up in arms about the new Starbucks cup. Now, personally, I do not care for Starbucks coffee. The flavor of their beans and my tastebuds do not dance well together. Not to mention that I used to be a barista when I was young and all your fancy words for ordering coffee are just kind of….. how can I put this…. unnecessary. It’s like you’re trying to be super fancy… when you are just coffee. But I digress… back to the cup.

I’m a Christian… and I like the cup. I think it is delightful and simply. It makes my eyes happy to look at. That being said…. If you describe yourself as a Christian and your whole world is knocked off kilter by a cup design…. I say to you, friend, you are NOT a Christian. Jesus doesn’t give two shits about a cup design. What he does care about is whether or not you are connecting with your fellow man. He cares about whether or not you are walking around being his hands and his feet and making a difference in the world by sharing your story of how he has enriched your life with others  by your actions. Instead of bitching about the cup… maybe you should go fill that cup with coffee and buy a scone, and go give it to the cold and hungry homeless person on the corner. While you are at it… maybe give him/her your coat if they need one. Next you should head on down to the shelter or the soup kitchen and see what you can do there to show God’s love and give hope to those who desperately need it. In my view…. that would be a much better way to show your “Christianity” to the world.

If your Christmas is so threatened by a cup design……. maybe you need to take a look at your Christianity. Instead of focusing on cups… maybe you should focus a little more on Jesus. Maybe you should focus a little more on connection instead of segregation. You scream and yell and get all excited about “the meaning of Christmas,” except that you very obviously have no idea what the meaning of Christmas actually is.

You obviously don't know Jesus.

You obviously don’t know Jesus.

Just saying.

The ritual of making tea…..

As I type the title of today’s musing I feel sad. I am drinking coffee. I don’t know that I even really like coffee.

It’s odd how our rituals change when we co-habitate with someone else. When I was alone (i.e just me and my children) I would get up in the morning, put the tea kettle on, fold the clothes straight out of the dryer, move the clothes from the washer to the dryer and start another load of wash. Then my water would be hot and I would make a cup of tea, sit down at my computer and write. There was something about that ritual that just kind of started my whole day moving in the right direction.

For those of you who followed me back in the days before Facebook was really a thing and Myspace was a bloggers Thunderdome, I actually wrote some really good stuff. Story blurbs, with characters that people waited on the edge of keyboards to see what they would experience next. Poetry that flowed like deepest sweetest tasting dark honey, causing your eyes to leak and your heart to break. (I may be embellishing here, but I did have quite a few followers….. in the hundreds at least. Which was quite thrilling for me.)

Most of that stuff is missing now. Myspace dispensed with our precious creativity, it is lost and I cannot retrieve it. Yes I saved my work, but that computer is long crashed and I retrieved all I could from the sad and tired hard drive. The rest is a garbled indecipherable mess. But I digress…..

The new computer is here now. I am writing. I am also  considering other blogging platforms. As soon as I can find time to research them. I find WordPress to be restrictive. I don’t care for that much.

Not that my writing is very sensational anymore, by any means. And it’s frightening to put your stuff on the inter webs now. I’ll write a story and someone will take it as their own. I’ll see it in 5 years on a movie screen with no credit to me whatsoever about the amazing character you stole from me that I’ve spent 20 years of my life creating in my head with full backstory, 100’s of years of life experience and fascinating experiences. People are jerks.

Anyways….. (In my best Joel McHale voice, gosh diddly… I love that guy!) Here I sit, drinking coffee and writing this… whatever this is…. thinking about the awful taste it leaves in my mouth and wondering what happened to my tea ritual. Or any of my rituals for that matter. It’s not as if my significant other is in the way. I’m on this search to figure out exactly what it is that is in my way. He doesn’t stop me from doing anything I wish to do. Is it my desire to just be present with him that keeps me from retiring to the sewing room to sew, or to the computer to write? I believe that it is. I have new rituals. He and I watch certain shows together, although we have no set times. We recently got rid of cable because it’s just stupid so everything is via apps now. We watch The Soup on iTunes because it is our FAVORITE. NBC is my best friend right now with The Blacklist, Heroes Reborn and Blindspot. All of which watching is not really ritual. We watch as time allows. I thank the providers of streaming media for this blessing. But we watch together some of them. I watch the ones he doesn’t care about with headphones on.

I miss some of my rituals. My creativity flowed better with them. It’s interesting how easily I can fall into a new pattern with the person I chose to spend life with, and let go of my own patterns. Oddly my patterns our now lost…. and picking up new ones so that they fit into the life I have chosen is foreign and difficult. Or is it just me. Maybe it’s just me.