I am…….

I am lost.
I am full of a sick feeling all the time. 
I am overwhelmed by the aching in my chest that won’t stop, and when I wake in the middle of the night I clutch the blankets to my chin and I cry and pray for hours for some higher being to please make it stop. 
I am terrified that if I am left to my own devices, at some point the desire to make this pain stop will result in an end I truly do not want. 
I am grieving. Not just the loss of you, but of the betrayal, the rejection, and the shattering of my dreams. 
I am confused. And maybe knowing the truth would help, maybe it would not. But your reasoning does not make sense to my stupid stupid heart, and so I can only believe it is false. 
I am alone. Because my best friend, my lover, my confidant has turned from me. 
I am beautiful. Even with my tears, inside and out, I am told. Even by you. 
I am worthy. Definitely worth unconditional never ending love.
But still….. I am lost. Right now I am lost. 




I’m not his beloved, but he is still mine.

The 5 stages of grief. Apparently this is a standard thing. She didn’t feel like she was doing right. She seemed to be rotating thru them over and over again.

The first three nights she did not sleep at all. After that she started taking melatonin and drinking sleepy time tea. That gave her about two hours of sleep. Her body had slipped into the parasympathetic response akin to grief, rejection, and cocaine withdrawal. She laughed as she considered that. Being rejected by the one you love does funny things to you. In the last 5 days she had eaten 2 cans of soup, one whole wheat cracker, a small piece of cheese, and half of an oatmeal raisin cookie. Soup and tea seemed to be the only things that were not rejected entirely. Heartbreak. Best weight loss plan in the world.

Every morning she woke around 2am,  cried intermittently until her alarm went off, stood under a hot shower, cried more. The remainder of the morning would be an attempt to keep him from seeing her cry until he left for work.

This morning she walked into the room, his back was to her and he was tying his tie. Time stopped briefly….. She smiled as she looked at him, felt desire for him. She wanted to walk up behind him, run her hands over him, press against him and squeeze. To tell him how handsome he was and how much she loved him…… Then suddenly time started back up, reversed and hit her like a freight train as it pushed thru her. It’s whistle saying “To bad that’s not how he feels about you.”

As he turned, she turned from the door and walked briskly into the kitchen trying to hold back the sobs that beat at the inside of her chest.

This man, who made her forget all the pain anyone had caused her before. This man, that she would move heaven and earth for. This man didn’t want her anymore. And what’s worse is she was so blindly full of hope and love she didn’t even see it coming. She wanted to hate him. But there was nothing but love there.

“Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.” ― Shannon L. Alder

I am Grumpy


I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m sure that has much to do with it. And so when I think about the things that are on my mind at the moment I am sure that they lack of sleep is not helping the grump factor.

At 2:30am this morning, I was suddenly and without any reason that was apparent to me wide awake. I did not feel anything negative towards this predicament. My bed was warm, I was covered in animals, my partner snoring softly and soundly beside me. I lay there for a while enjoy the comfiness and I felt happy and blessed.

I picked up my phone to see what time it was. I had received a photo from my son (who’s birthday it is today) of his new bed that we procured him as a Christmas/Birthday present. He is very pleased. I wished him a happy birthday. My beautiful baby boy of 26 years of age.

An hour later (3:30am) I cannot find a comfortable position. My mind is unable to shut off. The animals are now on my nerves because they are all in my way. I get up. One dog needs to pee. Spends 10 minutes outside wandering around leisurely sniffing things until I lose patience and call her to come in. I put the dogs in their beds, and throw the cat in the hall.

Still cannot get comfortable.

I do not wish to wake the partner, so I go upstairs to the guest room with my pillow and blanket. I’m comfortable for the most part, but I still cannot sleep.

When my alarm goes of 2 hours later I get up and get into the shower. I’ve spent the last hour thinking about selfish people. Not anyone in particular. We are all a little selfish. More than anything I am thinking about why kids don’t play in the snow anymore. Where are all the fricken snowmen? You go by the park and the snow is untouched. UNTOUCHED!!! Does this generation not realize the opportunity for snowman apocalypse and snow villages we have right now? So much wasted snow.

Also… all these people I see on this “Yakima Side Jobs” Facebook page. These people are looking for work, begging for a job… and yet, they don’t want to work when offered one. They can’t pass a drug test or don’t have less than 3 marks on their driving record. They don’t know how to fill out an application or create a resume. They are begging for a job on a Facebook page.

And what happened to the kid that used to wander down the street that would shovel your driveway and walkway for $20? They are gone. Old retired people who can’t do it themselves are trapped and can’t afford to pay a company to come do it. Anyone who is walking down the street offering the service thinks they should get the same rate of pay as a licensed and bonded company that has proper equipment. This is akin to those burger flippers who think they should make $15 an hour doing a startup job that is designed for kids who are just entering the work force. You want to make a career out of it? Work your way into management and then you can get paid accordingly.

And on the snow shoveling rant…. today I may be shoveling an nice old lady’s driveway on my lunch hour. Why? Because she has no one to do it for her. I hope her neighbors see me and feel like crap. Yes. I wish that upon them. I truly do. What the hell is wrong with the world? I asked my FB friends if anyone wanted to help. I got 2 responses. One from my bestie who is disabled and should not be doing that kind of thing, but would anyway just because she’s a giver like that, and one from a friend who can’t help because she is on the other side of the mountains. But I know she would help were she here.

I feel disheartened with humanity. The closer I look at it…. the sadder I feel. I’m not perfect by any means. But…. it becomes more and more true that you can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people who can do nothing for them. And the quality of humanity is sorely lacking. Don’t people realize that the more you do for others the better you feel? Especially if you are truly giving of yourself (i.e. without expectation or the “what’s in it for me?” attitude.)

Good job Yakima. Good job. *sigh* End rant.

If you feel disheartened with the world around you… I put this thought out…. Ghandi once said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I’m off to work. Have a great day America.