I’m not his beloved, but he is still mine.

The 5 stages of grief. Apparently this is a standard thing. She didn’t feel like she was doing right. She seemed to be rotating thru them over and over again.

The first three nights she did not sleep at all. After that she started taking melatonin and drinking sleepy time tea. That gave her about two hours of sleep. Her body had slipped into the parasympathetic response akin to grief, rejection, and cocaine withdrawal. She laughed as she considered that. Being rejected by the one you love does funny things to you. In the last 5 days she had eaten 2 cans of soup, one whole wheat cracker, a small piece of cheese, and half of an oatmeal raisin cookie. Soup and tea seemed to be the only things that were not rejected entirely. Heartbreak. Best weight loss plan in the world.

Every morning she woke around 2am,  cried intermittently until her alarm went off, stood under a hot shower, cried more. The remainder of the morning would be an attempt to keep him from seeing her cry until he left for work.

This morning she walked into the room, his back was to her and he was tying his tie. Time stopped briefly….. She smiled as she looked at him, felt desire for him. She wanted to walk up behind him, run her hands over him, press against him and squeeze. To tell him how handsome he was and how much she loved him…… Then suddenly time started back up, reversed and hit her like a freight train as it pushed thru her. It’s whistle saying “To bad that’s not how he feels about you.”

As he turned, she turned from the door and walked briskly into the kitchen trying to hold back the sobs that beat at the inside of her chest.

This man, who made her forget all the pain anyone had caused her before. This man, that she would move heaven and earth for. This man didn’t want her anymore. And what’s worse is she was so blindly full of hope and love she didn’t even see it coming. She wanted to hate him. But there was nothing but love there.

“Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.” ― Shannon L. Alder


One thought on “I’m not his beloved, but he is still mine.

  1. Richard says:

    If this is you, I am so sorry.

Cram your thoughts down my throat. It makes me happy.... come on... just do it!

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