Unrequited Love ruins a sandwich for everyone.

I believe that everyone has experienced this at least once in their life. You meet someone, you’re friends, you fall head over heels giddy stupid over them… and they push you away. Or they don’t feel the same. Or they aren’t in that place.

And that hurts. Rejection hurts, period. Doesn’t matter if it’s someone you were in a relationship with or if it’s someone you are friends with or if it is someone you admire from afar.

I have been there. I find often that they way I love my friends can also be misconstrued. If you are my friend and I see you are hurting… I want to show you love to help you through. To give you confidence and boost your mood and just make you feel special. That scares people a bit. Why would you give that away for free? You must want something I’m not ready to give. LOL No… I just want my friend to feel better, and I am generally very clear in my communication of that.  But that rejection hurts as well.

But really what I want to talk about is the other side of the coin. I get along with men much better than I get along with women. It’s been that way my whole life. Unfortunately, there is something wrong with that in the eyes of the world. I do have female friends that I am close to. But not many. So on that note…. sometimes they fall.

We don’t choose who we have a love connection with or who we fall in love with. It is or it is not. Yes, you can choose to love someone. I know several people in arranged marriages that have lasted 30, 40 plus years…. they love one another very much. But they were never in love. I do know one couple that is in love… but they have told me that it took some time and work and when they found themselves there it was unexpected.

I choose my friends very carefully. If you are my friend, if we spend time together then I trust you. I feel safe with you.  I enjoy your company. But then you gotta go catching feelings. It’s okay…. it’s not your fault. We don’t choose that. It’s just there. And I know that it hurts because I don’t feel the same way. And I may never feel the same way. I wish I could change the way you feel. I’m sure you wish you could change the way you feel. I know when in the same situation I have felt that way.

Now… here’s how I feel. You are my friend. I care about you. I love you. I want you to be happy. It hurts me to see you suffer…. and it hurts even more to know I am the cause of that suffering. So now where are we? You don’t want to be around me because it hurts because you want me and I don’t want you. I don’t want to be around you because you are suffering and it’s my fault because you want something from me I can’t give you. Hence…. end of friendship.

I hate that. It makes me angry. I think it’s stupid. And I miss my friends.

“Nothing ruins the taste of Peanut Butter quite like unrequited love” ~Charlie Brown

You speak truth, Charlie. You speak truth.



Oh, sons of a silly person…. Day 3


What this means is you actually have to click the link and go read the blog. All will be revealed. If it’s not….. then feel free to ask. But ask on the blog and not on The Book of Face… because I’m not on The Book of Face right now. I’m taking a break. Because I am trying to work through my broken right now… and The Book of Face is the most toxic place I can be for that. The only reason you are seeing this post is that WordPress automatically posts it when I publish it.

This also means that I am not seeing my lovely Starfish’s wonderful insights on life. I am not watching Pikey’s entertaining and odd live feeds. I do not see what people are trying to sell in Yakima or the event invites people are sending me. I am seeing no updates about my favorite Blathanorians or Empire of Medieval Pursuiters, nor of my bestie’s wonderful satire. I am not seeing updates on new video’s concerning my other bestie’s survival tips.  My contact information is on my “About me” page. If you want me, you can call me. I am still using messenger, you can message me. I would enjoy that interaction. I would enjoy hearing your voice. I would enjoy hearing about your day. I would enjoy meaningful conversation. But I’m staying off of The Book of Face for a while. Because the short attention span of it all is really getting to me. And I was a girl that grew up in a world of real connections with real people…. and I miss those real people.

Today actually has been a really good day. I woke up in the middle of the night last night from a horrible dream, my body tingling from head to toe. I was angry… and then I was sad. And then my male bestie called me and let me talk it out. And he prayed with me. This morning I woke up feeling… meh. And then something made me sad. A memory or a missing of something. And as it began to hurt and I began to cry I began to ask God…. but then I stopped… and instead just said “thank you.” Thank you for this pain. Thank you for this lesson. Thank you for this sadness. Thank you for my tears. Thank you. And the rest of the day was actually ok. I feel… mostly not sad at all today. Yea for today!

I was going to make scotch eggs today… but we had to run errands after work and then we got home… and now I just feel like it’s too late to eat. *shrug* So beer it is. And Game of Thrones and nalbinding this hat that is going to turn out to be too small for me. But hey… it will fit on Judah. So… super cool on that I guess. When I’m done on the hat I will work on my shoes. And when I’m done with my shoes, I’ll work on my chair. I also have to work on my sister’s Persian coat… which is all cut out, but needs to be put together.

So.. thank you for today, Universe.

What is Suicidal?

Websters dictionary says: “suicidal: adjective sui-cid-al  Simple definition of suicidal: 1)wanting to kill yourself : showing a desire to kill yourself 2)extremely dangerous : likely to cause your death : likely to cause great harm to yourself.

Full Definition of suicidal

  1. 1a:  dangerous especially to life:  destructive to one’s own interests

  2. 2:  relating to or of the nature of suicide

  3. 3:  marked by an impulse to commit suicide

Ok… don’t freak out. I’m not going to hurt myself. I’m not suicidal….. well, not by the above definition. But I am having a little difficulty dealing with my depression. I’ve dealt with depression my whole life, although I was diagnosed until I was older. And there are variables that can make it worse. (i.e. food allergies and medications that effect brain chemistry)
I can’t take depression meds because they do all kinds of weird things to me. We went through about 20 or so possibilities until I said “I’m done.” And I deal with that depression every day of my life. Some days are better than others but it’s only been this bad once before. And of course, I have a reason to be depressed on top of my regular everyday battle, so…. there’s that.
But honestly…… it is physically painful right now. And I’m feeling desperate for it to stop. And that terrifies me. Because during those times that I am feeling desperate for the pain to stop, my imagination goes to some really dark places. And I’m reaching out to all the wrong people. And the people I should be reaching out to are out of town or live on the other side of the mountains.
I constantly have to remind myself of how that would not be a good path to go down because of all the reasons I don’t want to be dead.
I started writing this particular blog several months ago. Before the actual legitimate reason I had to feel sad. I wanted to talk about the concept of not actually wanting to die, but often times feeling that if I had not woken up this morning, I’d be okay with that. But being that this is where we are now… this is where we are now….. this blog has kind of changed.  I’m not trying to be a needy bitch. I’m not writing this for attention. I’m trying to ask for help. And by help, I mean I just need someone to hang out with me for a little while. To talk to me, even if it’s just on chat or on the phone. To distract me. So that I have something else to focus on. Because sometimes there is only so much distraction I can give myself. And I’ve deleted the facebook apps off of my devices. Because that is proving to be just toxic during the above mentioned times.
I will get through this particular thing. Because I am strong. I always get through these things. And I am not weak because I ask for help. Weak people don’t ask for help. Strong people ask for help because they know when they can’t do it by themselves.
Reaching for help
So I’m sorry… if I’m annoying the frak out of you. And I suppose the only people in my life who won’t feel that way, are the only people worth being in my life, or so I am told.
So today is day three…. of the rest of my life. Today I poached a goose egg. I did some yard cleanup. I did a ton of laundry. Cleaned my room. Watched a movie with my Judah Buddah and he slept through a third of it on me. I called my dad. Because it’s father’s day, you know. Hope you called yours. Judah and I ate icecream together, because that is how we do. And I had thought about making mini scotch eggs today. But If I don’t have anyone to share them with…. I kind of feel like it’s a mute point. I like to cook. But only if other people are involved. Odd that I find no joy in it otherwise.
I desperately need to find a new hiking partner. Because I need to go hiking.
I think we are done here for today. Maybe tomorrow I will write about something different. This is to be one of my distractions. The writing. At least one of the people reading this remembers when I used to write every day.  Happy Father’s day. Have a good one.

It’s Day One……

I am tired of anxiety every day. While I’m sitting at work and my chest is aching like someone just punched me in it and forgot to remove their fist…. I’m wishing I was on my treadmill so I can run it off or at least run till I fall down. When I get home, I just want a beer and to become one with a blanket. A beer drinking burrito. So… what to do?

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