Black hole……

  I had found a happy. It was the most happiest happy I had ever felt. It was warm and fuzzy and safe. It was adventure and love and exploding joy.It was comfort and sanctuary. It was love….. More than I could fathom. 

And then a black hole opened up and sucked it all away. The visuals were surreal. Like a swirling unraveling of pixels…. Spiraling away into the black and then gone. I wish I could describe it in a way that you could visualize it. It is beauty and pain and magic and awful all at once. Mesmerizing…. A vividly enchanting nightmare I cannot wake from. 


I am…….

I am lost.
I am full of a sick feeling all the time. 
I am overwhelmed by the aching in my chest that won’t stop, and when I wake in the middle of the night I clutch the blankets to my chin and I cry and pray for hours for some higher being to please make it stop. 
I am terrified that if I am left to my own devices, at some point the desire to make this pain stop will result in an end I truly do not want. 
I am grieving. Not just the loss of you, but of the betrayal, the rejection, and the shattering of my dreams. 
I am confused. And maybe knowing the truth would help, maybe it would not. But your reasoning does not make sense to my stupid stupid heart, and so I can only believe it is false. 
I am alone. Because my best friend, my lover, my confidant has turned from me. 
I am beautiful. Even with my tears, inside and out, I am told. Even by you. 
I am worthy. Definitely worth unconditional never ending love.
But still….. I am lost. Right now I am lost. 



I’m not his beloved, but he is still mine.

The 5 stages of grief. Apparently this is a standard thing. She didn’t feel like she was doing right. She seemed to be rotating thru them over and over again.

The first three nights she did not sleep at all. After that she started taking melatonin and drinking sleepy time tea. That gave her about two hours of sleep. Her body had slipped into the parasympathetic response akin to grief, rejection, and cocaine withdrawal. She laughed as she considered that. Being rejected by the one you love does funny things to you. In the last 5 days she had eaten 2 cans of soup, one whole wheat cracker, a small piece of cheese, and half of an oatmeal raisin cookie. Soup and tea seemed to be the only things that were not rejected entirely. Heartbreak. Best weight loss plan in the world.

Every morning she woke around 2am,  cried intermittently until her alarm went off, stood under a hot shower, cried more. The remainder of the morning would be an attempt to keep him from seeing her cry until he left for work.

This morning she walked into the room, his back was to her and he was tying his tie. Time stopped briefly….. She smiled as she looked at him, felt desire for him. She wanted to walk up behind him, run her hands over him, press against him and squeeze. To tell him how handsome he was and how much she loved him…… Then suddenly time started back up, reversed and hit her like a freight train as it pushed thru her. It’s whistle saying “To bad that’s not how he feels about you.”

As he turned, she turned from the door and walked briskly into the kitchen trying to hold back the sobs that beat at the inside of her chest.

This man, who made her forget all the pain anyone had caused her before. This man, that she would move heaven and earth for. This man didn’t want her anymore. And what’s worse is she was so blindly full of hope and love she didn’t even see it coming. She wanted to hate him. But there was nothing but love there.

“Sometimes the best and worst times of your life can coincide. It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul. This is the irony of love.” ― Shannon L. Alder

Apple, Marzipan & Walnut Pies

Two little pies is what I have for you today, quickly cobbled together because I received a bag of apples from a friend with the comment that they were better for baking than eating. This autumn hasn’t turned out like I expected – the trees carry golden and red foliage but what I’m missing is […]

I’m reblogging this because it’s fabulous! A had some obstacles… ..  Bakeware and ADD. I don’t have ANY 7×5 1/2″ bakeware. So I used my little ramekins which are half the size. I made the mistake of getting preformed puff pastery that you are supposed to bake and fill so I had to roll them out. In the first set, I got distracted and forgot the marzipan. Is ok….Next set I remembered the marzipan and forgot the sugar. Is also ok. 

Anyways…. They are friggen adorable and delicious! I’ll do better next round. 


Racism… wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go……

So… the past 2 days I have talked myself out of bed and done my allotted 200 flights of stairs. I will do so again today, I just haven’t talked myself into it yet.
So for now I am content to eat my completely organic oatmeal with cinnamon and blueberries and apples and drink my chai tea. As I talk about the ridiculously stupid things on my mind to you.

On my mind this morning… racism.

So I am in this group called “The Root” on Facebook. I am not exactly sure how that occurred but there I am. They talk mostly about things that effect the black community. I am not black. In fact I am as far from any color as anyone can get. I glow in the dark. I sparkle in the sun like the Cullens. I am alabaster white, my friends. What amazes me is that most people of color that I know, and this isn’t all inclusive to blacks, it includes all colors, are more racist than most of the white people I have ever met.

And on the word racism…. when any form that I have to fill out, be it governmental or otherwise asks me for my race, I make a new box, check it, and write “HUMAN” next to it. Because that is my race. If you want to know my ethnicity… you should ask me that.

I am of the HUMAN race…. My ethnicity should not matter. We all bleed red blood. Our internal organs are all relatively in the same place and have the same functions as everyone else in the HUMAN race does. The color of one’s skin matters just as little as the clothing one wears.

It irritates me that people wish to break up the HUMAN population into color classes and gender classes. It’s actually painful to watch and listen to the ignorance. And yes…… we all do it to some extant. And next time you hear yourself doing it…. think about how stupid you sound. How about we break people down into their levels of enlightenment. Current presidential candidates are in the kindergarten class. They have not a clue. In fact, I have yet to encounter a bigger bunch of ignoramaces in my life as I have in our current presidential choices. I am sad. The things that come out of their mouths are so astoundingly moronic, I just am embarrassed to be a member of the human race. I really do hope no other beings are watching us from afar… because if they are, they must truly know that the majority of us are a lost cause. They probably don’t even know about the few enlightened. Thanks a lot you big stupids….. I will enjoy dying over your idiocracy.