Roommate troubles

Like to hear about it? Here it go….

Actually… I just really need to vent. All kinds of things going on.

So 2 or so years ago I had a bad breakup. He cheated, and then married the woman he cheated on me with. I moved into a house with my daughter and her husband and my grandchild. A year later, they moved to Vegas to follow their dreams. I moved in with a friend because we were both alone, we get along great, we motivate each other and as we both deal with depression… we keep each other from falling too far into the pit of despair.

pit-of-despair.jpg

We have another roommate… who, when I moved in, was a long haul trucker and the only reason roommate #1 agreed to let him live there was that he would only be home maybe 5 days a month… tops. But… shortly after I moved in roommate #2 lost his job and has been home pretty much 24/7 until he decided to go to EMT school… good on him! To the point, however, while he is pleasant for the most part, and attempts to be helpful…. he is the kind of person that is only good in small doses. And so… Roommate #1 and I have weathered this… I’m going to say he has better than I. But I’ve gotten to the point where *meh* it is what it is. I’m trying really hard to learn to let things go. Because some things just aren’t worth it.

So here’s one of those things… see my problem is that if I can’t understand a thing… it’s really difficult for me to drop… because I need to understand the thing.

About 2 months ago Roommate #1 went on a date with a woman. He didn’t pursue her…. she pursued him. On their first date… she stayed the night. Ok. You’re grownups… go on with your bad selves. But after that… she never left.

So let’s take a step back here. Back story on her: She moved here from another state with her adult daughter and they are staying with a friend in a pretty undesirable living situation. He adult child is married and her husband still lives in that other state, and even came to visit his wife for a week about a month ago. I don’t know a lot about the background of this woman and when I asked Roommate #1 he didn’t know either… and quite frankly, doesn’t seem to care… because he’s a man and he’s getting laid.

So back to it…. she has been here every night since that night and her daughter and her large dog have been here as well. 3 weeks in, I talked to Roommate #1 about the stress that this was causing. I work with public all day long. When I come home I need to recharge. I can’t do that now because I come home and my living room is full of people and dogs. I can’t even sit in the living room… I hang out in my bedroom now. There are no windows in my bedroom. This has led to some serious anxiety issues that are now starting to effect my work performance. And when I asked him to maybe slow down a little… because of this… he said that he had wondered about that… but he isn’t inclined to do anything about it.

Ok…. am I wrong feeling like that’s just really disrespectful? Not only of him but of her? I pay rent here. Not only that… but now she has a key to the house… which means she has 24/7 access to my things when I am not around… and yes… someone has been going through my things. Can I prove it? No. It’s my word against hers… and she is the one fucking him so…. where do you think that is going to go? I don’t know her. She isn’t paying rent. Shouldn’t I get at least a consultation on the passing out of keys to where I live?

What was I expecting? I don’t know… maybe ease into it. Cut it back to 4 nights a week instead of 7? I mean… even roommate #2 thinks the three of them here all the time is too damn much all of a sudden.. bam… welcome to your three new roommates in a 3 bedroom 1 bath home. *sigh*

Anyways… So I have sought out a new place to live. And it sucks I have to move. And I was told my some mutual friends that he told them I was moving and didn’t seem overly enthused about it. Well why not? If I moved out then his new family can move in full on. Oh yea… did I mention that he hasn’t spent any time with his step daughter or grandson since this all started? They used to get together once a week. She hasn’t seen him for 2 months.

Also… everyone who loves Roommate #1 is a bit concerned. Did I mention the girlfriend doesn’t have a job and the only thing she seems to be doing to rectify her undesirable living situation is to date my roommate? We love him. We want him to be happy. We also don’t want him to get used. And from the outside looking in… (hell.. from the inside even) it sure is suspicious looking.

Ok… I’m done now. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m a petty bitch. I don’t know. I was just getting to the point where I’m not killing all my plants again… LOL I’d really like some feedback on this one..

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It’s Day One……

I am tired of anxiety every day. While I’m sitting at work and my chest is aching like someone just punched me in it and forgot to remove their fist…. I’m wishing I was on my treadmill so I can run it off or at least run till I fall down. When I get home, I just want a beer and to become one with a blanket. A beer drinking burrito. So… what to do?

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Who the hell are you and where did I go?

So… I’ve been trying to be diligent in my workout… but it’s difficult because when the parental units are home the only place to workout is in my room… I can do my stairs in there… but that’s about it. Pilates is right out. There is no room. So now that they’ve come back from their trip I’m screwed again. It’s very frustrating.

I have also found in the last several weeks that there is a whooshing sound to the beat of my heart in my right ear. It hurts slightly…. which for me could be bad, because constant pain for me is far more tolerable than it is to others. Meaning… my pain level is at a 3… but for that guy over there in the same amount of pain…. he’s at a 12. I looked up similar conditions and no one seems to be able to describe it very well. Mine is like the sound you hear when they listen to the unborn baby’s heartbeat during an ultrasound. That’s the exact whooshing noise. But it’s intermittent. More when I am laying down or when I exert myself. Sometimes it’s a little maddening….

*sigh*

I need space to recollect myself. I told a friend, who told me to keep fighting that I was tired. Like I need a nap from life. He told me to take my nap… and then to wake up. I had no response but to cry. I’ve been trying to wake up for over 2 years now. Actually… I think it’s been more than that. I know what I need to do… but I don’t know how to make the space I need to do it. I feel like I’m slowly losing every part of me that I love.

I love people. I love meeting new people. Exchanging ideas with them. Getting to know them… except…. now… I don’t want to go out in the world to meet them. It makes me very uncomfortable. When you share yourself with others they use it against you. People are horrible creatures. I feel sometimes that I am just living in a nightmare I can’t wake up from and regardless of what my hopeful heart says.. my mind is starting to take control of the situation. Don’t share yourself with people and no one can hurt you.

Except I am a social animal… and I feel like I’m slowly going insane. What good is learning the things I want to learn if I can’t share those things with others? How can I learn from others if I can’t stand to be around others?

Where did I go? Who is this woman? I don’t like her. I hate what she knows how to do for a living. I hate how she feels sad all the time. And I hate that I am locked in a sound proof box deep inside of her and no one can hear me screaming.

Invisible Monsters.

So right now….. I’m sitting here with a huge wave of sadness crushing me. Why? Why am I sad? No idea… but the pain I feel in my chest is similar to having one’s heart crushed by the person they love the most or losing someone close. I cry…. and I just want to cry more.

The problem is…. There is no reason to feel this way. I was supposed to give a massage today but it got cancelled. Medical emergency. Not mine.

I was planning on being picked up by a complete stranger and carpooling dow to Toppenish to have a crafty evening with the ladies of Vulkenfeldt, whom for the most part, I am pretty sure I have never met. However…. what if I should break down and start crying for no flipping reason. They are going to think I’m insane.

So… I think I will wait until I’m not feeling so………………… intense for lack of a better word. Maybe better to just finish out Rome and do some more knitting.

I got the feeling last night when an friend was giving me a little pep talk that he thought I was feeling this way over a man. Not the case. Has nothing to do with anyone but me and my psychotically stupid brain chemistry. Not to say that having someone around that loves me wouldn’t be helpful.. but that is not what the issue is.

I think it’s difficult for others to understand how tiresome this battle is if they’ve never experienced it. Working helps… when I have a schedule and I am working, I can go into autopilot if I need to. But when there is no work…. I just cease to function. I wish it was something I could just shoot dead or cut off it’s head or some physical monster that I could attempt to destroy… but it isn’t…. I can’t reach it or grab it or stomp it…..

Stupid invisible monster.