It’s Day One……

I am tired of anxiety every day. While I’m sitting at work and my chest is aching like someone just punched me in it and forgot to remove their fist…. I’m wishing I was on my treadmill so I can run it off or at least run till I fall down. When I get home, I just want a beer and to become one with a blanket. A beer drinking burrito. So… what to do?

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Who the hell are you and where did I go?

So… I’ve been trying to be diligent in my workout… but it’s difficult because when the parental units are home the only place to workout is in my room… I can do my stairs in there… but that’s about it. Pilates is right out. There is no room. So now that they’ve come back from their trip I’m screwed again. It’s very frustrating.

I have also found in the last several weeks that there is a whooshing sound to the beat of my heart in my right ear. It hurts slightly…. which for me could be bad, because constant pain for me is far more tolerable than it is to others. Meaning… my pain level is at a 3… but for that guy over there in the same amount of pain…. he’s at a 12. I looked up similar conditions and no one seems to be able to describe it very well. Mine is like the sound you hear when they listen to the unborn baby’s heartbeat during an ultrasound. That’s the exact whooshing noise. But it’s intermittent. More when I am laying down or when I exert myself. Sometimes it’s a little maddening….

*sigh*

I need space to recollect myself. I told a friend, who told me to keep fighting that I was tired. Like I need a nap from life. He told me to take my nap… and then to wake up. I had no response but to cry. I’ve been trying to wake up for over 2 years now. Actually… I think it’s been more than that. I know what I need to do… but I don’t know how to make the space I need to do it. I feel like I’m slowly losing every part of me that I love.

I love people. I love meeting new people. Exchanging ideas with them. Getting to know them… except…. now… I don’t want to go out in the world to meet them. It makes me very uncomfortable. When you share yourself with others they use it against you. People are horrible creatures. I feel sometimes that I am just living in a nightmare I can’t wake up from and regardless of what my hopeful heart says.. my mind is starting to take control of the situation. Don’t share yourself with people and no one can hurt you.

Except I am a social animal… and I feel like I’m slowly going insane. What good is learning the things I want to learn if I can’t share those things with others? How can I learn from others if I can’t stand to be around others?

Where did I go? Who is this woman? I don’t like her. I hate what she knows how to do for a living. I hate how she feels sad all the time. And I hate that I am locked in a sound proof box deep inside of her and no one can hear me screaming.

Invisible Monsters.

So right now….. I’m sitting here with a huge wave of sadness crushing me. Why? Why am I sad? No idea… but the pain I feel in my chest is similar to having one’s heart crushed by the person they love the most or losing someone close. I cry…. and I just want to cry more.

The problem is…. There is no reason to feel this way. I was supposed to give a massage today but it got cancelled. Medical emergency. Not mine.

I was planning on being picked up by a complete stranger and carpooling dow to Toppenish to have a crafty evening with the ladies of Vulkenfeldt, whom for the most part, I am pretty sure I have never met. However…. what if I should break down and start crying for no flipping reason. They are going to think I’m insane.

So… I think I will wait until I’m not feeling so………………… intense for lack of a better word. Maybe better to just finish out Rome and do some more knitting.

I got the feeling last night when an friend was giving me a little pep talk that he thought I was feeling this way over a man. Not the case. Has nothing to do with anyone but me and my psychotically stupid brain chemistry. Not to say that having someone around that loves me wouldn’t be helpful.. but that is not what the issue is.

I think it’s difficult for others to understand how tiresome this battle is if they’ve never experienced it. Working helps… when I have a schedule and I am working, I can go into autopilot if I need to. But when there is no work…. I just cease to function. I wish it was something I could just shoot dead or cut off it’s head or some physical monster that I could attempt to destroy… but it isn’t…. I can’t reach it or grab it or stomp it…..

Stupid invisible monster.