Oh, sons of a silly person…. Day 3

YOU TOO CAN HAVE YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED REGARDING THIS POST!  Just read this blog to see how!


What this means is you actually have to click the link and go read the blog. All will be revealed. If it’s not….. then feel free to ask. But ask on the blog and not on The Book of Face… because I’m not on The Book of Face right now. I’m taking a break. Because I am trying to work through my broken right now… and The Book of Face is the most toxic place I can be for that. The only reason you are seeing this post is that WordPress automatically posts it when I publish it.

This also means that I am not seeing my lovely Starfish’s wonderful insights on life. I am not watching Pikey’s entertaining and odd live feeds. I do not see what people are trying to sell in Yakima or the event invites people are sending me. I am seeing no updates about my favorite Blathanorians or Empire of Medieval Pursuiters, nor of my bestie’s wonderful satire. I am not seeing updates on new video’s concerning my other bestie’s survival tips.  My contact information is on my “About me” page. If you want me, you can call me. I am still using messenger, you can message me. I would enjoy that interaction. I would enjoy hearing your voice. I would enjoy hearing about your day. I would enjoy meaningful conversation. But I’m staying off of The Book of Face for a while. Because the short attention span of it all is really getting to me. And I was a girl that grew up in a world of real connections with real people…. and I miss those real people.

Today actually has been a really good day. I woke up in the middle of the night last night from a horrible dream, my body tingling from head to toe. I was angry… and then I was sad. And then my male bestie called me and let me talk it out. And he prayed with me. This morning I woke up feeling… meh. And then something made me sad. A memory or a missing of something. And as it began to hurt and I began to cry I began to ask God…. but then I stopped… and instead just said “thank you.” Thank you for this pain. Thank you for this lesson. Thank you for this sadness. Thank you for my tears. Thank you. And the rest of the day was actually ok. I feel… mostly not sad at all today. Yea for today!

I was going to make scotch eggs today… but we had to run errands after work and then we got home… and now I just feel like it’s too late to eat. *shrug* So beer it is. And Game of Thrones and nalbinding this hat that is going to turn out to be too small for me. But hey… it will fit on Judah. So… super cool on that I guess. When I’m done on the hat I will work on my shoes. And when I’m done with my shoes, I’ll work on my chair. I also have to work on my sister’s Persian coat… which is all cut out, but needs to be put together.

So.. thank you for today, Universe.

What is Suicidal?

Websters dictionary says: “suicidal: adjective sui-cid-al  Simple definition of suicidal: 1)wanting to kill yourself : showing a desire to kill yourself 2)extremely dangerous : likely to cause your death : likely to cause great harm to yourself.

Full Definition of suicidal

  1. 1a:  dangerous especially to life:  destructive to one’s own interests

  2. 2:  relating to or of the nature of suicide

  3. 3:  marked by an impulse to commit suicide

sui·cid·al·lyadverb
Ok… don’t freak out. I’m not going to hurt myself. I’m not suicidal….. well, not by the above definition. But I am having a little difficulty dealing with my depression. I’ve dealt with depression my whole life, although I was diagnosed until I was older. And there are variables that can make it worse. (i.e. food allergies and medications that effect brain chemistry)
I can’t take depression meds because they do all kinds of weird things to me. We went through about 20 or so possibilities until I said “I’m done.” And I deal with that depression every day of my life. Some days are better than others but it’s only been this bad once before. And of course, I have a reason to be depressed on top of my regular everyday battle, so…. there’s that.
But honestly…… it is physically painful right now. And I’m feeling desperate for it to stop. And that terrifies me. Because during those times that I am feeling desperate for the pain to stop, my imagination goes to some really dark places. And I’m reaching out to all the wrong people. And the people I should be reaching out to are out of town or live on the other side of the mountains.
I constantly have to remind myself of how that would not be a good path to go down because of all the reasons I don’t want to be dead.
I started writing this particular blog several months ago. Before the actual legitimate reason I had to feel sad. I wanted to talk about the concept of not actually wanting to die, but often times feeling that if I had not woken up this morning, I’d be okay with that. But being that this is where we are now… this is where we are now….. this blog has kind of changed.  I’m not trying to be a needy bitch. I’m not writing this for attention. I’m trying to ask for help. And by help, I mean I just need someone to hang out with me for a little while. To talk to me, even if it’s just on chat or on the phone. To distract me. So that I have something else to focus on. Because sometimes there is only so much distraction I can give myself. And I’ve deleted the facebook apps off of my devices. Because that is proving to be just toxic during the above mentioned times.
I will get through this particular thing. Because I am strong. I always get through these things. And I am not weak because I ask for help. Weak people don’t ask for help. Strong people ask for help because they know when they can’t do it by themselves.
Reaching for help
So I’m sorry… if I’m annoying the frak out of you. And I suppose the only people in my life who won’t feel that way, are the only people worth being in my life, or so I am told.
So today is day three…. of the rest of my life. Today I poached a goose egg. I did some yard cleanup. I did a ton of laundry. Cleaned my room. Watched a movie with my Judah Buddah and he slept through a third of it on me. I called my dad. Because it’s father’s day, you know. Hope you called yours. Judah and I ate icecream together, because that is how we do. And I had thought about making mini scotch eggs today. But If I don’t have anyone to share them with…. I kind of feel like it’s a mute point. I like to cook. But only if other people are involved. Odd that I find no joy in it otherwise.
I desperately need to find a new hiking partner. Because I need to go hiking.
I think we are done here for today. Maybe tomorrow I will write about something different. This is to be one of my distractions. The writing. At least one of the people reading this remembers when I used to write every day.  Happy Father’s day. Have a good one.

It’s Day One……

I am tired of anxiety every day. While I’m sitting at work and my chest is aching like someone just punched me in it and forgot to remove their fist…. I’m wishing I was on my treadmill so I can run it off or at least run till I fall down. When I get home, I just want a beer and to become one with a blanket. A beer drinking burrito. So… what to do?

Continue reading

It’s your last day… what are you going to do?

(Day 17 of 100)

I’m having a tough time with this. As I do with many things. I know… you could judge me and call me a slacker. Or a flake or whatever. I posted something about depression and how it effects you in ways that other people just can’t understand because they have never experienced it. And honestly that is what it is. I think to myself after work…. “I’m going to go home and work out and write and do this, that, and the other thing.” and then I get here… and nothing happens. There is this little part of me screaming at me to do it and there is this other part of me whispering “why bother?” I am angry that the whispering part always seems to win. I think, I will get up earlier and write…. I wake up early and spend the morning petting my dog and catching up on what my friends that I never get to hang out with our see anymore are doing in their lives via their posts on facebook. I feel detached and lonely. And now I want to cry. That will last the rest of the morning, dammit!

This morning I posted this on FB: “You are fooled by your mind into believing there is tomorrow, so you may waste today.” ~Isihin Yoshimoto

Image

So…. if today were your last day, what would you do? I would definitely not be going to work. I would go to my man’s house, I would get him and his kids and the suburban and I would get my kids and we would drive all the way out to the most Northwest tip of the American Continent… and we would marvel at the blue water and amazing view and smell the woods around us… and I would tell them how much they mean to me. I would give all my hoards of fabric and yarn to my starfish. I would take a million photographs of me with the people that mean the most to me. I would go bungee jumping. I would jump out of a plane with my bestie. I would call the President and tell him to read the constitution and to encourage American citizens to do it as well. There are so many things I would do. Why am I doing none of those things now?

I am so tired of just surviving. Of working my ass off to do so and not ever really being ahead. I don’t feel like I have anything really to look forward to but a lifetime of servitude and that I will never, ever, be able to do the things in life that I would rather be doing as a job or as a partner. And if I am ever able to do those things… I will be too old and broken and worn down to do them without being in so much pain that it I will no longer find joy in doing them. I feel my creativity fading. It comes to me and floats gently and slowly away and I have ceased trying to catch it because….. why bother? I have no time or space to do anything with it anyway. The people that have known me for a long time used to know this loud showy extrovert who is still in there.. but she is trapped inside the chained closed box of an introvert. What is the point of trying to get out of the box? Ugh. and there you have it…. the depression has taken over my blog.

I would spend my last day making sure that the people I love the most know how very much I love them. That is what I was trying to say. Daniel, Johanna, Tim, Samantha, Emily, Reid, Linara, Brandie, All the kidlets, all the starfish kidlets, Boo, Tamara, Dena, and everyone… they know who they are. Every person on my FB that has touched  my life so profoundly……. I love you. I appreciate you. You are amazing… I could spend hours writing out why about each person…. But I’m going to get ready for work now. Back to the servitude.

Ciao.

I just want something beautiful…….

(Day 2 of 100)

That being said… I want to talk a little bit about religion or spirituality or belief systems or the lack there-of. Which ever way you want to go. I’m easy. But the fact of the matter is this is my blog… and so I’m going to write about my spirituality and my view of it and my growth in it and what I think about it. Feel free to comment or argue or whatever floats your boat. (granted, if you want to argue… I’ll pretty much not respond to your arguing comment…. but discussion is definitely welcome… as log as it isn’t mean, hateful or negative.

So when people ask my religion, I say I am a Christian. That is the religion I was raised in. When people ask what my belief system is I say “There is only one God. Jesus Christ died so that I may be free. Karma exists, and….. don’t I know you from a past life?” 

So… 1) Some people would argue that their God is the only one and true God. Let us talk a moment about that…. Jesus said “I have many names” We could argue all day on the many aspects of that. But if he and God and the spirit are all one…… then….. ponder for a moment. Who are you, so righteous, that you get to choose which name that is and define God by it? There was a time recorded in the bible where all peoples spoke the same language. Imagine the communication there? There was no telephone game going on lost in translation. These people were capable of just about anything they could dream simply based on the communication alone. Every culture has a different name of God…. Who’s to say it’s not all the same being… and in the process of our languages being Babel’d (yes,.. I know that is not a word.. It’s a double meaning… babbled.) across the earth it’s a little difficult to share your belief system with others, much less, make it all come out the same. So just sit for a moment and imagine that God is one… and it is only man that has skewed how angry and mean he can be. 

2)Christ died so that I may be free and so that you may be free and so that we all may be free… we are forgiven for our sins… in advance. That doesn’t mean it is okay to run around sinning all over the place. I try to stay away from the the 10 commandments. Those are good basic rules to live by. I would suggest to anyone…. How humbling is it that someone would send their son to die for your mistakes… mistakes you haven’t even thought about making yet because you don’t even exist yet? That’s just crazy…. and humbling. That someone loves me that much (or will love me that much… or in the case of reincarnation… already does love me that much.)

3) Karma exists…. it just does.

4)Some people who call themselves Christians would argue that if I believe in reincarnation then I am not a Christian. I say… what the hell do you know? My argument is that if the end result of our physical lives on this planet is to fly to heaven and sit with God… how could he possibly enjoy our company if we didn’t learn everything we need to know to have an intelligible conversation with him. Who wants to hang out with a bunch of 2 year-olds?  Because compared to God… that’s essentially what I imagine it would be like for him our first go around unless we were someone super awesome like Gandhi or Mother Theresa or Buddha. And honestly… I am fairly sure that it wasn’t their first go round.  And it goes leaps and bounds to explain why sometimes you meet someone and find that you know them somehow as if you had known them their whole lives… and yet…. you’ve only known them for 15 minutes. There is a lot we need to learn….. about why we are here… I really think that is the most important thing.

So why are we here? Well… in the beginning God made man to take care of the garden and all the creatures within it. I think the earth is our garden now…. and quite frankly… we are doing a really shitty job of taking care of it. We were also here to love one another. (I don’t mean in the hippie sense of that.) What is love? It is the opposite of fear. Think about it… Fear causes just about every negative feeling you could have. Fear of the unknown causes distrust, insecurity, hate, anger, violence. Fear of isolation causes depression and loneliness. We withdraw because of fear. We fight because of fear.

What do we do when we love? Fighting for love is different than fighting out of fear. When we have open and loving hearts, we trust. We give. We listen. And when we do those things we smile.

Love brings something beautiful. God is love….. When you give yourself truly and completely to him… you have nothing left to lose and in that… you have nothing to fear. Not to say you will lose all the negativity of being human. It will always come to drag you down…. but if you just grasp it by the neck and toss it up to God every time it rears it’s ugly head…. in comes the beautiful.

Most people don’t remember when they were a baby… you were dependent on your parents for everything. And I pray that you had good parents… that were worthy of the trust and unconditional love that you gave them. Before you were taught to fear. I imagine that is what it is like… giving everything to God.

In my depression… I find that when I look to God every day… I start my morning listening to Air1 radio. And I am filled with Joy and peace and my fear fades. It brings of tears of joy to my eyes to sing and thank him for every blessing he has placed in my life. I’m depressed… because of things. Because of brain chemistry and body chemistry. When I am deeply depressed I attempt to analyze my life to place a reason upon feeling that way when in all actuality, my life had been hard but good. And I am okay. And there really is no reason for my depression other than the chemistry thing. And I have fear. And I try to remind myself that I have nothing to fear.

My biggest fear is being alone. I have been in relationships…. but for the most part I have felt alone. Without a partner in this world. I am terrified of dying alone. Of never having anyone to love me enough to make me a wife and stand by me till the very end. I wonder sometimes why I was not good enough. But then I realize…. God loves me unconditionally… no matter what. He is always there. He never leaves me alone. And if I am good enough for God…. then I am absolutely good enough for any man. And someday… He will put that man in my life.

I am not a churchy bible beater person. I don’t want to point my fingers at others and accuse them or curse them to hell. That is not my place. I love each person in my life, be they Pagan or Wiccan or Atheist or Buddhist or Muslim or Catholic or bible beater or what have you. If you are Fubar’d, it does not matter. There are lessons for you to learn there or for someone else to learn by know you. If you think you are not worthy of unconditional love… you are wrong. God would rather have you with all of your mess than not have you at all. You may think he has forsaken you… but he is always near you. Always. Waiting for you to turn and feel his warm and welcoming embrace.

Being loved by God doesn’t mean that he is going to make your life peachy and happy and perfect all the time. But he sure  does make the rough stuff easier to endure. And if you look around you… and begin to notice all the tiny beautiful moments in your life that you constantly dismiss and take for granted… you will see something beautiful.

So.. yeah… that’s my something beautiful. I cried a little while sharing it with you… so… be nice.

Now… Go listen…. cause it’s good.

 

 

Depression, Microsoft & ADD

A friend of mine posted this on The Book of Face the other day…. and it really is very true. The author is unknown currently. (meaning, I searched for a little while… couldn’t find it… gave up. Not willing to put hours into it.”

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”

Ok… so I can relate to most of this. People say… “you should take meds for that.” Well… my brain chemistry is backwards somehow… and meds only make it worse. Honestly… I think I do a pretty good job of battling it on my own. I could do better. It is nice to have a support group that understands. I have someone here… though I am not sure if he understands or how severe it can be for me. But he is exceptionally wonderful. And having someone exceptionally wonderful in your life is pretty awesome. At the very least…. you don’t feel alone in the world. And I cannot imagine that it is easy on him. So the fact that he continues to hang around makes him even more exceptional. It helps that he likes to do fun things with me that I could never seem to find anyone else to do with. Hiking, running, working out. It is a little difficult that he won’t let me do anything for him. He does so many wonderful things for me…. I feel like a burden or a taker and I am not.

Ok, enough of that. I came home this morning wanting to just write and get some of this whirling goo out of my head. Instead, I spent several hours trying to understand why Microsoft needs to push some sort of crazy Bing toolbar onto my desktop. I DO NOT USE BING. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO USE BING. AND I DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT IT ON MY DESKTOP. Good think I look at my updates before I download them. Also… It wanted to “upgrade” my security stuff. Not update it, but upgrade it. And for some reason… that just wasn’t going to work. Even after I followed all the suggestions for troubleshooting this issue. Guess what? All you really have to do is uninstall the version you have, and reinstall the newest version. *FACEPALM* That was so much easier than all the advice all the techies were giving me. *rolling my eyes” On the upside, while I was waiting for all the scans and downloads and failures to happen… I repaired all the hempy goodness of my shoulder bag and installed a new zipper with metal teeth. Who’s idea is it to put plastic teethed zippers on purses? That’s just silly. Build things to last, why don’t you?

My sweet Bellisima is being a moody little furbaby today. Snarly and grumpy and bitey and hidey in her cave. Too many children trying to touch and play with her. She is just not a children dog. She is a growed up people dog. So… we have locked ourselves in the room. Where I can finally write, but have completely lost my train of thought, other than my incredible dislike for Microsoft right now.

I guess now that I cannot stay on any given subject that is in my head (Thanks again, Microsoft!) I will go do some laundry… and maybe start another sewing project. I need some tunic tops to wear with my leggings. Yeah.

Who the hell are you and where did I go?

So… I’ve been trying to be diligent in my workout… but it’s difficult because when the parental units are home the only place to workout is in my room… I can do my stairs in there… but that’s about it. Pilates is right out. There is no room. So now that they’ve come back from their trip I’m screwed again. It’s very frustrating.

I have also found in the last several weeks that there is a whooshing sound to the beat of my heart in my right ear. It hurts slightly…. which for me could be bad, because constant pain for me is far more tolerable than it is to others. Meaning… my pain level is at a 3… but for that guy over there in the same amount of pain…. he’s at a 12. I looked up similar conditions and no one seems to be able to describe it very well. Mine is like the sound you hear when they listen to the unborn baby’s heartbeat during an ultrasound. That’s the exact whooshing noise. But it’s intermittent. More when I am laying down or when I exert myself. Sometimes it’s a little maddening….

*sigh*

I need space to recollect myself. I told a friend, who told me to keep fighting that I was tired. Like I need a nap from life. He told me to take my nap… and then to wake up. I had no response but to cry. I’ve been trying to wake up for over 2 years now. Actually… I think it’s been more than that. I know what I need to do… but I don’t know how to make the space I need to do it. I feel like I’m slowly losing every part of me that I love.

I love people. I love meeting new people. Exchanging ideas with them. Getting to know them… except…. now… I don’t want to go out in the world to meet them. It makes me very uncomfortable. When you share yourself with others they use it against you. People are horrible creatures. I feel sometimes that I am just living in a nightmare I can’t wake up from and regardless of what my hopeful heart says.. my mind is starting to take control of the situation. Don’t share yourself with people and no one can hurt you.

Except I am a social animal… and I feel like I’m slowly going insane. What good is learning the things I want to learn if I can’t share those things with others? How can I learn from others if I can’t stand to be around others?

Where did I go? Who is this woman? I don’t like her. I hate what she knows how to do for a living. I hate how she feels sad all the time. And I hate that I am locked in a sound proof box deep inside of her and no one can hear me screaming.