To love and be loved

I’ve spent a lot of my life looking for acceptance. The earliest I can remember was at 5. I wanted my mother’s acceptance. I don’t think I ever gained that. And now… I don’t care.

It took a long time to say that. I don’t care. I don’t care if you like me or like what I say or what I do. Because I’m not doing it for you. And if I am doing something for you… it’s because I do care. I care because I love you. And if I love you… hold on to your hat.

If I love you, I will be fierce for you. If I love you, I will stand by you and have your back. I will take care of you, dote on you, touch you, share all my secrets with you… even the ones that might make you look on me unfavorably… because I love you. If I love you… it’s because I trusted you first. You have to be my friend before I love you. And here’s the great thing about real friends. Real friends are honest with you… even if it hurts. Do you want to know why? Of course you do.

Real friends are honest with you, even if it hurts, because…… they actually care about you, and about you becoming your best self. The best you that you can be. Some say there is a selfishness in that…. and they would be right in that assessment. If you are constantly becoming the best you that you can be, imagine what a benefit you can be to those around you. If you are practicing being your best self…. that means you are probably pretty happy. And happy people tend to be pretty supportive of those around them becoming their best selves as well. It’s this weird beautiful circle. Can you imagine if we all ran around being our best selves and supporting those around us so that they can be their best selves? What?!?

Honestly I have these moments when I see myself not being my best self…. I feel ashamed. I want to be better. Sometimes I look back at my writing and see that I was not being my best self. I could delete it… or I could leave it to remind myself not to be that way. To remind myself how far I’ve come or how I need to change.

I want to be my best self. So that I have that to give to those I love.

I’m all over the board here, I feel like. What was my end game with this talk? I don’t know. To love and be loved. I can say that in the past 20 years… I’ve gathered some amazing people into my life. People who I never want to let go. People who, when I think of them, I feel a lump in my chest and my eyes start leaking… because they mean so much to me. People who were there for me in my darkest hours. People who were honest with me when I was being a frigging idiot. People who love me just the way I am and who revel with me when I succeed in making changes that lead to me being a better me. And some of those people may be reading this… and you know who you are,

Some of those people have said “If you weren’t sitting in front of me right now, I wouldn’t even know that you were you.” That’s how much I have changed. And that’s a good thing… because 25 years ago… I was a hot mess. Heck… I’m still a hot mess. I’m just a better hot mess than before.

At any rate… My end game is a life partner. And I’ve come to a point in my life that I’d be perfectly ok with my life partner being more than one person in the same home. I know…that’s weird to some people. But it can work if the chemistry is right. And that’s important… and rare, I think. I want someone to get old with. To explore with. To share everything with. To pour myself into and love until I shed this mortal coil and move on to the next life. Oh.. big silly dreamer.

Until then, I will love who I am drawn to love. And I will love them with all of me. I will experience them and drink them in. I will revel in each moment. And I will not be ashamed or care what others think about that. (They’re just jealous. LOL)





Let’s talk about dating for a minute….

I started writing this last year, March of 2017. I’m reading it now… and it still holds true. Currently, I am seeing someone… I think…. that I actually like a whole lot. I don’t know exactly what it is… and that’s okay. But anyways…. I wanted to post this because I read an article today about how only a real man can hold on to a strong woman and how that relates to dating sites… and it was totally relatable. Here ya go.
Continue reading

Life can be messy

Hi there. Haven’t written for a while. I should do something about that. Let’s see how this goes.

Currently I am having a nervous breakdown. I mean… like today. Which I am trying to see as a blessing because it’s a Saturday, so I am not at work. I can have my nervous breakdown in private… except that it’s not private. It’s been building over the past few weeks, and without realizing it, I’ve allowed to really take control of some coping skills. Well, that’s effing embarrassing. *facepalm* I hate that. Hi there… now I have to apologize for being a complete dick. *deep breath*

As a person who likes to try to take ownership of my own shit….. I’m taking a moment to try and realize what the root of my issue is. Where to begin. There’s a lot going on right now. So….. people who know me well, know that I often times get over stimulated by too many people. I need to withdraw. It’s funny that I’ve become this way, because my whole life I’ve been a super social person by nature, which makes it really difficult to deal with this weird thing. I’m trusting by nature….. but have learned that this is not always the best thing for me because often times I am trusting of people I shouldn’t be. This realization (or experience factor, as the case may be) causes me to be more suspicious of people and their motives. While some instances are entirely just coincidental, often times, it turns out that my initial scrutiny is correct.

Anywhoooooooo. I’m currently feeling “people’d out” and the bad part of that is that it is in the place I call home. So…. while I have discussed this with one of the people involved, he is unwilling to do much about it at the moment, which I totally understand. But still…. it doesn’t change how it’s affecting me. So I need to figure out how to deal with it on my own. Because currently….. I’m not coping well. Also, I’ve met this amazing person and I like him more than I am comfortable with. Why am I uncomfortable? I don’t know why. Normally I am all “Hey, I like you, you like me, lets enjoy the hell out of each other,” all in kind of person. He terrifies the hell out of me. I am terrified. I’ve never been terrified before.

So.. this morning I’m having a panic attack. I feel all tingley and needy and I can’t breathe and I need to be held and I don’t have anyone to do that. It is moments like this that I doubt myself and my self-worth. Because I’m alone and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me that no one but my friends love me. I don’t feel unworthy of love. I’m totally worthy of love. When I love someone, I try to be 100%. But when I see what I get traded up for… I doubt myself. I wonder what is wrong with me. I have the most wonderful friends who tell me there is nothing wrong with me. No one is perfect and everyone has their rough spots. Over the last 15 years I have spent a lot of time trying to get rid of the things about myself that I find undesirable. (Not the things others find undesirable… but what I find undesirable.) It’s why I try to  surround myself with people who will be honest with me, even when sometimes it can be hurtful. Sometimes we don’t see or choose not to see the things that are not pretty in ourselves because no one likes to see they are flawed. This last week I found a flaw that I need to deal with. I need to be more mindful of my own thought process and my reactions that fall after. I’m not perfect. I’m not trying to be perfect. No one is perfect, and in fact, no one can be perfect, ever.

I’m rambling… what’s my point? Oh… my point is that life is messy. This is life. Right now my life is messy and I need to deal with that. I need to figure out a way to move past this messy bit so that I can keep going. That’s the thing. Life around you doesn’t stop because things in your life become messy, whether it’s your fault or someone else’s fault. Because it’s what you do with it. Not what someone else does with it. Your shit is about you. Roll with it, lean with it, Wacky Wavey inflatable tube man with it.

So… back to the last blog… there is beauty in the breakdown. Same song… different day.


Word vomit about Civilian PTSD.

PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a loosely thrown around term applied to anyone who has suffered from any sort of traumatic even in their life that has caused extreme stress that in turn effects their current life because they can’t move past it.

This is not me saying “get over it.” I have plenty of friends who have been in combat and who wake from night terrors, sometimes with their hands around a loved one’s throat. Friends that you have to wake from a distance with a long stick for fear of being thrown the ground and possible dispatched of before that person actually gains consciousness. People who have problems with fire crackers or car backfire, or hunting with friends due to the sound of gun fire, or who have a plethora of other triggers that can cause them to lose their shit or withdraw. My first inclination here… and maybe I am swayed by George Carlin, is to call that “Shell Shock.” I mean really…. I think that is a much simpler and more descriptive term when talking about our fine military veterans, based on my observation of those I know that suffer from this. I’m not addressing those people with Shell Shock. I can’t relate to that. I’ve never been blown up or had a gun fired at me. I’ve run for my life from someone. I’ve seen people die. But it’s not the same. Very much NOT the same.

But in the rest of the population…. PTSD is now applied to everyone who seems to be having an issue dealing with the stresses of life. I want to make something super clear to anyone reading this…. LIFE IS STRESSFUL. Seriously. Did someone tell you that this was going to be a fucking cakewalk? Because if they did, please send them my way so that I can slap the stupid out of them for ruining you.

Again…. I am not saying “get over it.” What I am saying is that somehow, over time, someone decided that we no longer have to learn how to cope with stress. Which is completely asinine. Let me repeat this…. LIFE IS STRESSFUL. You have to deal with stress all day long. That stress will come in the form of another person or a situation that was created by someone else (which is partially out of your control) or by yourself (which is totally in your control).

Really, I think it’s all about how you cope. What is your coping mechanism? How do you process your stress? Is it negative or positive? Do you have an outlet? It’s about being mindful about you and what’s around you. And once you can get into that mindset, what you do with that knowledge. And I don’t mean being mindful just right now for a minute. I mean practice mindfulness every minute of everyday. What is happening right now and how does it make you feel and what is your reaction to that? Is that something you can change? Is it something you can take control of?

We are trainable. The problem is we allow ourselves to get stuck in this place that we have been trained to stay stuck in. Trained by society, by our parents, by our teachers, by our experiences, by our loved ones, by our own thoughts that have been shaped by all the aforementioned things. Learning to train ourselves doesn’t mean “get over it.” It means we are stronger than all of those things that have shaped us. We are resilient. Each moment of pain or loss or fear has shaped us and taught us something about ourselves and the world around us. And we can use that to our own benefit. “It’s not easy,” you say. No shit, Sherlock. LIFE IS STRESSFUL. Nothing worth doing is easy. Think about that as you go through your day wishing for a different life.  NOTHING WORTH DOING IS EASY. Until it is. And once it is easy…. then you have mastered it and can move on to the next thing.

Why am I talking about this? I’ve had some “professionals” state that I “suffer” from Broken Heart Syndrome or that I have PTSD attached to my domestic violence relationships, attached to fear of abandonment. That may be true. I’ve also had them tell me that it is the very outlook that I have described above that makes me the most well adjusted person to ever sit in their office. I am not going to say that I “suffer” although at times I suppose it could be called that. It is a suffering of my own design because I have yet to figure out the appropriate and most effective way for me to tackle some of the issues that I face emotionally and mentally because of my past experiences. Experiences that I chose to be in (unknowingly, but chose to be in none the less). We cannot know the future. I’m talking about this because I had a visit from a friend this weekend for the purpose of going to classes for a hobby we both have an interest in… we are kind of both in the same/but different space in our lives. But we are friends. And I am fond of this person. And it made me start to think about my fears and insecurities and what shaped them and how they affect me now in relation to the relationships that I form.

My advice? 1) Don’t beat yourself up over it. The past is the past. You can’t go back and change it. Yes…. it hurts. Yes, it made scars. Yes, you might still be bleeding.

Here’s the great part about having people all around you. Every where you look… lots of people. Find some good ones. There are lots of us. Don’t find them to fix you. Find people that will guide you. That will give you a hand up when you fall. That will check in on you when you become distant. Those are the people you want in your life. Also… make sure you do the same for them. Sometimes you feel like you can’t… but you can. And it actually helps you to do so.

2) Service. Like I mentioned above, do for others what you need them to do for you. Don’t do it with the expectation that they will reciprocate. If you do, you may find yourself very disappointed. But this is how you find the right people to have in your life. They are there for you, you are there for them. Win Win.

3)Find things to do that interest you. Start doing them alone if you have to. There are groups everywhere. Go to events even if you don’t feel like going. When friends invite you to do things….go. Surround yourself with people who are like you. Why? Because they understand. And that’s the big thing. They understand. I don’t mean a support group. I never really found that to be helpful. It might be for you… and if that’s the case, then by all means, do it. But for me, I find that there are people that are like me that are striving to overcome or have overcome the things that I am already fighting with. They have good insight. And they are an excellent distraction. In a support group you are surrounded mostly by people that are currently going through what you are. In a normal setting… you generally get a good mix of currently going through or been there, done that, overcame it. At least I find that I do.

This has not been easy. It’s not currently easy. I deal with depression, fear, insecurity, and a plethora of other negative crap. Guess what? We all do. Because LIFE IS STRESSFUL. Don’t “get over it.” Deal with it. Take it by the balls and show it who is boss. It will be slow. It will be tedious. It will be hard. It will be a constant battle. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to reach out in your effort to overcome. But don’t whine about it…. unless you have cheese. Wine is ok with cheese. =)  You’re only a victim if you choose to stay a victim. I’m telling you to fight. Fight tooth and nail. Fight as though your very life depends on it. Because it does. Are you living? Or are you just breathing and watching life happen around you?

Thanks for reading. I’d enjoy it if people shared their “coping mechanisms” or their experience in their battle and how it’s going. I’m with you.

Unrequited Love ruins a sandwich for everyone.

I believe that everyone has experienced this at least once in their life. You meet someone, you’re friends, you fall head over heels giddy stupid over them… and they push you away. Or they don’t feel the same. Or they aren’t in that place.

And that hurts. Rejection hurts, period. Doesn’t matter if it’s someone you were in a relationship with or if it’s someone you are friends with or if it is someone you admire from afar.

I have been there. I find often that they way I love my friends can also be misconstrued. If you are my friend and I see you are hurting… I want to show you love to help you through. To give you confidence and boost your mood and just make you feel special. That scares people a bit. Why would you give that away for free? You must want something I’m not ready to give. LOL No… I just want my friend to feel better, and I am generally very clear in my communication of that.  But that rejection hurts as well.

But really what I want to talk about is the other side of the coin. I get along with men much better than I get along with women. It’s been that way my whole life. Unfortunately, there is something wrong with that in the eyes of the world. I do have female friends that I am close to. But not many. So on that note…. sometimes they fall.

We don’t choose who we have a love connection with or who we fall in love with. It is or it is not. Yes, you can choose to love someone. I know several people in arranged marriages that have lasted 30, 40 plus years…. they love one another very much. But they were never in love. I do know one couple that is in love… but they have told me that it took some time and work and when they found themselves there it was unexpected.

I choose my friends very carefully. If you are my friend, if we spend time together then I trust you. I feel safe with you.  I enjoy your company. But then you gotta go catching feelings. It’s okay…. it’s not your fault. We don’t choose that. It’s just there. And I know that it hurts because I don’t feel the same way. And I may never feel the same way. I wish I could change the way you feel. I’m sure you wish you could change the way you feel. I know when in the same situation I have felt that way.

Now… here’s how I feel. You are my friend. I care about you. I love you. I want you to be happy. It hurts me to see you suffer…. and it hurts even more to know I am the cause of that suffering. So now where are we? You don’t want to be around me because it hurts because you want me and I don’t want you. I don’t want to be around you because you are suffering and it’s my fault because you want something from me I can’t give you. Hence…. end of friendship.

I hate that. It makes me angry. I think it’s stupid. And I miss my friends.

“Nothing ruins the taste of Peanut Butter quite like unrequited love” ~Charlie Brown

You speak truth, Charlie. You speak truth.


Oh, sons of a silly person…. Day 3


What this means is you actually have to click the link and go read the blog. All will be revealed. If it’s not….. then feel free to ask. But ask on the blog and not on The Book of Face… because I’m not on The Book of Face right now. I’m taking a break. Because I am trying to work through my broken right now… and The Book of Face is the most toxic place I can be for that. The only reason you are seeing this post is that WordPress automatically posts it when I publish it.

This also means that I am not seeing my lovely Starfish’s wonderful insights on life. I am not watching Pikey’s entertaining and odd live feeds. I do not see what people are trying to sell in Yakima or the event invites people are sending me. I am seeing no updates about my favorite Blathanorians or Empire of Medieval Pursuiters, nor of my bestie’s wonderful satire. I am not seeing updates on new video’s concerning my other bestie’s survival tips.  My contact information is on my “About me” page. If you want me, you can call me. I am still using messenger, you can message me. I would enjoy that interaction. I would enjoy hearing your voice. I would enjoy hearing about your day. I would enjoy meaningful conversation. But I’m staying off of The Book of Face for a while. Because the short attention span of it all is really getting to me. And I was a girl that grew up in a world of real connections with real people…. and I miss those real people.

Today actually has been a really good day. I woke up in the middle of the night last night from a horrible dream, my body tingling from head to toe. I was angry… and then I was sad. And then my male bestie called me and let me talk it out. And he prayed with me. This morning I woke up feeling… meh. And then something made me sad. A memory or a missing of something. And as it began to hurt and I began to cry I began to ask God…. but then I stopped… and instead just said “thank you.” Thank you for this pain. Thank you for this lesson. Thank you for this sadness. Thank you for my tears. Thank you. And the rest of the day was actually ok. I feel… mostly not sad at all today. Yea for today!

I was going to make scotch eggs today… but we had to run errands after work and then we got home… and now I just feel like it’s too late to eat. *shrug* So beer it is. And Game of Thrones and nalbinding this hat that is going to turn out to be too small for me. But hey… it will fit on Judah. So… super cool on that I guess. When I’m done on the hat I will work on my shoes. And when I’m done with my shoes, I’ll work on my chair. I also have to work on my sister’s Persian coat… which is all cut out, but needs to be put together.

So.. thank you for today, Universe.

What is Suicidal?

Websters dictionary says: “suicidal: adjective sui-cid-al  Simple definition of suicidal: 1)wanting to kill yourself : showing a desire to kill yourself 2)extremely dangerous : likely to cause your death : likely to cause great harm to yourself.

Full Definition of suicidal

  1. 1a:  dangerous especially to life:  destructive to one’s own interests

  2. 2:  relating to or of the nature of suicide

  3. 3:  marked by an impulse to commit suicide

Ok… don’t freak out. I’m not going to hurt myself. I’m not suicidal….. well, not by the above definition. But I am having a little difficulty dealing with my depression. I’ve dealt with depression my whole life, although I was diagnosed until I was older. And there are variables that can make it worse. (i.e. food allergies and medications that effect brain chemistry)
I can’t take depression meds because they do all kinds of weird things to me. We went through about 20 or so possibilities until I said “I’m done.” And I deal with that depression every day of my life. Some days are better than others but it’s only been this bad once before. And of course, I have a reason to be depressed on top of my regular everyday battle, so…. there’s that.
But honestly…… it is physically painful right now. And I’m feeling desperate for it to stop. And that terrifies me. Because during those times that I am feeling desperate for the pain to stop, my imagination goes to some really dark places. And I’m reaching out to all the wrong people. And the people I should be reaching out to are out of town or live on the other side of the mountains.
I constantly have to remind myself of how that would not be a good path to go down because of all the reasons I don’t want to be dead.
I started writing this particular blog several months ago. Before the actual legitimate reason I had to feel sad. I wanted to talk about the concept of not actually wanting to die, but often times feeling that if I had not woken up this morning, I’d be okay with that. But being that this is where we are now… this is where we are now….. this blog has kind of changed.  I’m not trying to be a needy bitch. I’m not writing this for attention. I’m trying to ask for help. And by help, I mean I just need someone to hang out with me for a little while. To talk to me, even if it’s just on chat or on the phone. To distract me. So that I have something else to focus on. Because sometimes there is only so much distraction I can give myself. And I’ve deleted the facebook apps off of my devices. Because that is proving to be just toxic during the above mentioned times.
I will get through this particular thing. Because I am strong. I always get through these things. And I am not weak because I ask for help. Weak people don’t ask for help. Strong people ask for help because they know when they can’t do it by themselves.
Reaching for help
So I’m sorry… if I’m annoying the frak out of you. And I suppose the only people in my life who won’t feel that way, are the only people worth being in my life, or so I am told.
So today is day three…. of the rest of my life. Today I poached a goose egg. I did some yard cleanup. I did a ton of laundry. Cleaned my room. Watched a movie with my Judah Buddah and he slept through a third of it on me. I called my dad. Because it’s father’s day, you know. Hope you called yours. Judah and I ate icecream together, because that is how we do. And I had thought about making mini scotch eggs today. But If I don’t have anyone to share them with…. I kind of feel like it’s a mute point. I like to cook. But only if other people are involved. Odd that I find no joy in it otherwise.
I desperately need to find a new hiking partner. Because I need to go hiking.
I think we are done here for today. Maybe tomorrow I will write about something different. This is to be one of my distractions. The writing. At least one of the people reading this remembers when I used to write every day.  Happy Father’s day. Have a good one.