Have you had your plus sign today? Obviously not. And I think it’s Hilarious.

So… someone posts a photo with a happy thought on it.

Then someone comes along and says something negative about their happy thought. Another person comes along and points out the negative person’s negativity and their opinion of it.

Suddenly… the negative person twists the entire conversation to ensue to try and convince the person that pointed out their negativity that they are pathetic and that they take everything personally.

Why is it that Negativity guy can post his opinion… but no one is allowed to have an opinion about his opinion? Seriously? No one is allowed to have an opinion but you? And God forbid, someone have an opinion about your opinion…. that would be blasphemous.

And because your opinion is negative, and you back it up with your high- and-mightiness….. i.e. “I have a good relationship, so I should know” or “I’ve been married for 33 years” or “I am a recovering Alcoholic” or a “recovering drug addict” or “I’m saved!”

Well good for you! I’m proud of you. That doesn’t make you better than anyone else… and it definately does not put you in the position to tell other people how pathetic they are or that because their opinion isn’t just like yours that they are wrong somehow.

Opinions are like assholes, and everybody’s got one. If you are going to throw yours out there… be prepared for some feedback. Especially if your opinion is negative and mean and it’s on something that was meant to be heartwarming and sweet. People are going to say something… really. And before you say you think I took any response they had to my opinion about their negativity personally, I did not. I actually enjoyed the conversation as they continually tried to twist the conversation to make me look like the bad guy. Except I couldn’t… because I had others backing me up …. because why? Because I wasn’t being negative. Simply observant….

And on that note… why do people feel the need to comment on other people’s negativity, but have no desire to let someone know that their tire is flat or that their gas cap is left open or that they left their coffee or their purse on the top of their car or that their trunk is open or that things are flying out of the back of their truck or that they are dragging a long rope behind them with a child attached by the ankle…..

What happened to helping a brotha out?

Okay.. I’m done ranting now. I’ve been depressed as hell these past couple of days to the point of not wanting to do anything. I mean… it’s still a “why Botha?” moment for me…. Ugh…. Yakima sucks the life from me. On the upside, I finished two green apple hats, adult and baby and I finished two sets of mitts…. small and large. Yeah me. Now to just set up my etsy page or some junk….

Why Bother?

I have no focus what-so-ever this morning. None.
I keep saying I should write… I have nothing to write about. I take that back. I get these great topics in my head but I am generally in the middle of something else and so they get set aside and then when I try to think back on them I’ve forgotten or the fire is gone or whatever.

So today I am just going to write about this week.
This week I discovered the full force of blackness from someone’s heart. I’ve known her for 16 years…. I’ve seen her use people. Take from people. Pretend to be something that she is not to get everything she has. I’ve seen her in her drama, and sometimes been pulled into the middle of it. I’ve seen her drugged out, drunk, angry, sad, mad, happy. And she’s never worked a real job… oh wait… she was a stripper once…. That’s a real job. But she didn’t do that for very long. And there were a lot of drugs involved.

In the past 5 years she has made a lot of change in her life. She started going to AA and stopped drinking. She started going to church and became a bible thumper. She puts on this angelic face. She plays the victim very well. And God forbid you cross her…. because that is when the ugly comes out. I cannot imagine why I ever thought that at some point it would not be directed at me.

She became like every emotionally abusive man I’ve ever been with. 10-fold.
She took everything she knows about me. Every insecurity, fear, sadness, from my life and she shoved it in my face in the worst possible, most hurtful possible way. Over and over and over again. And when I ceased to respond, she went to my 16 year old daughter and told her these things about her mother. My daughter’s response was “You are behaving like a high schooler. You need to grow up, be a bigger person and leave my mother alone.”

My daughter received no response back. What can you say to a 16 yr old who just told you… the person who is supposed to be the grown up… to grow the hell up. Not much.

What is even worse is that all of her accusations and belittlements came from jealousy and anger. Unfounded jealousy for that matter. And because I refuse to help her hurt someone that I have watched her crush over and over and over again in the past 16 years all because he loves her. He’s at the point now where he is realizing… she never loved him. Am I still feeling a little butt hurt… yes I am. But I know I am not the names she called me. I am not the person she accused me of being. And so…. when her own twin sister says she is wacked and not to let it bother me… It will take a little while…. but, I’ll get over it.

You ever notice how when someone who doesn’t know you judges you or accuses you or whatever…. it doesn’t matter that much and you move on. But when it is someone you have known and trusted for any lengthy period of time and they do it… It’s like this huge betrayal. They’ve just taken all your innermost thoughts and feelings and turned them on you. It’s like they accumulated all this information on you just for this day. It’s a little painful. Because I truly loved her with all my heart. Still do. But I do not want her back in my life. Ever. Not even if she needs shelter from zombies. Oh sure… I’ll protect your kids… but you, my dear, are zombie fodder. Not to mention, as far as input in the group, you’d be pretty worthless… so… yeah. zombie fodder.

I know… this kind of makes me sound like a serious bitch. But all of us have an inner bitch. I just generally don’t let mine out.

After that, the week got better. I went out last night. Yes… out in public. How crazy is that shit? I went out and had chinese dinner with a friend of mine and then he went with me to see my daughter’s play. She doesn’t have a lead role in it… but it was good anyway.

Last night I had odd sleep and a continuing conversation in a dream I cannot remember. But I would wake up and then when I went back to sleep it would continue where it left off. I wish I could remember it because I feel somehow that it is important.

There is something inside of me that so desperately wants motivation. I have so many things I want to do…. why can’t I do them? It is so odd to feel that way. I think… I’ll just do this… I’ll just do it and I get up to get started and I get sidetracked and then I can’t remember what I was in the process of doing…. and by the time I remember I am in the middle of something else and then I just get frustrated. Grrrrrrrrrrr

And people wonder why I just want to lay in bed and cry. Then there are those days where I go through the whole Bette Midler routine of “Why Bother?”

Yeah… that’s pretty much how I feel a lot of the time… LOL Except for when I watch that. I just laugh and laugh. It’s one of my favorites by her.

At any rate…. I think I shall stop talking about nothing and attempt to do something… like shower… and wash my newly frizzed hair. Maybe I will finish knitting this hat… oh…. maybe I will finally make my new knitting needle roll since I bought the batting for it yesterday. Why bother? Because I desire to be functional. That’s why.

I can’t get no sleep…..

Let’s start this ridiculousness off with some music, shall we…..

 

 

So…….

Last night I didn’t sleep for more than 15 minutes….. at a time. I would sleep for 15 minutes and then I would wake up and stay awake anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes. My head hurts slightly this morning…

REM sleep occurs in bursts totalling about 2 hours a night, usually beginning about 90 minutes after falling asleep. Which means… I got NO REM sleep. REM sleep is really important….. It has major ties to learning capabilities and memory retention…. And as I can’t seem to remember shyte, my inability to sleep normal looks to be more and more the cause of this issue.

I do not feel rested… and yet I have a much stronger motivation than usual to do my 200 flights of stairs… with 2 minutes of planking added to the end. And I am not talking about that stupid-ass internet phenomena they call planking!

(THIS IS STUPID AND SERVES NO PURPOSE!)

I’m talking about actual planking.

THIS IS AN EXERCISE FOR YOUR CORE MUSCLES AND IT ISN’T AS EASY AS IT LOOKS. Go on…. try it.

Now that we have that squared away…. obviously my lack of usable sleep also has got me in writing mode… why? Because apparently in all my moments of trying to go back to sleep my mind was thinking about stupid, useless crap that no one cares about. For example… I feel like baking. I don’t know that I will actually bake… but I want to….. I also want to whip together a new roll for my knitting needles as the store bought one is falling apart and I need more spaces anyway. So I would just make a bigger and better version. Like I said yesterday, I wish I were manic… then at least I would have moments of accomplishing something. Pffffft. As it is, I just think about it and then I think… “why bother?” Nobody cares. No one is going to give a sqwadiddlyhooptydoo if I accomplish anything or not. No one cares if my ass goes from flabby to fabulous… but me. And I obviously don’t matter to anyone but myself… *sigh* Unless, of course, you need to know what the weather is on the pass or you want to get in my pants…… or you need something made for you… like some medieval garb, or a hat or some mitts or a fracking sammich. (Yes… I know it’s spelled “sandwich”, I just like to spell it like I like to say it… sammich. Kiss my dragon, bitches.)

On the upside of this not sleeping and feeling a little more motivated to accomplish something: I find that when I work out, I do sleep better. So… maybe that will help. Because I have not done my stairs for several days now. I’m a slacker.

I think what sucks the most about the writing thing is that I have so many things on my mind and it becomes difficult for me to stick with one thing. Stupid inundation of information running through my head at the speed of light…. Ooooooo….. that’s what we will talk about next time I write.

Oh… another thing I wanted to talk about. I watched “The Help” last night. Good movie. You should totally watch it. Probably not if you are guy, though. Most guys wouldn’t like it, I don’t think. But I found it to be wonderful. And it made me sad how pathetic we are as a human race that we judge people by the color of their skin…. Well.. that always makes me sad… but I digress. Watch it. It was great. And it’s an excellent history reference that everyone can learn something from.

Okay. Love you. I’m gonna go find something to watch while I stair…. and then I am going to lay down and cry a little bit. On the upside… it’s sunny out. I may open my curtains in my room today. Woohoo for me.

It’s all nothing but a big bunch of Empty…. Why so serious then?

Gaté,
gaté,
paragaté,
parasamgaté.
Bodhi!
Svaha!

Which means:

Gone,
gone,
gone over,
gone fully over.
Awakened!
Hail the Goer!

This is from The Heart Sutra…. It is about Emptiness…. referring to the fact that no thing, including human existence, is substantial, which in turn means that no thing is permanent and no thing is totally independent of everything else.

Everything in the world is attached to everything else. constantly fluxing, moving changing. In the Buddhist teaching a deep appreciation of this concept saves us from the suffering that is caused by our egos, our attachments, and our resistance to change and loss.

You might be thinking now… well then, what’s the point? If it’s all empty and meaningless?

It is an experience for the energy that resides within the prison we call a body. Every thing you learn is through experience…. and if you realize that this experience… this human existence… is possibly likened to a college course for the soul that resides within… well then, everything you do, say, experience in this form is just a learning tool for your actual essence. And if that is the case….. you can do whatever you want, without fear…… granted…. you shouldn’t put other’s learning experiences at peril… so just killing others
for the sake of killing others should probably be kept out of the equation. (Regardless of those we know desperately need to be removed from existence… it is not our job)  Leave that to the psycho killers… I personally think they will be passing on to another place.

So why should the feeling of sorrow, the feeling of wanting to be done with my stint here overwhelm me. Why should I be so tired of this human experience if I have so much more that I want to learn. And I do… I want to learn. I want to experience and love and enjoy this time here… (Which according to the Mayan calendar there may or may not be much left of). And yet, I cannot seem to make myself move. You have no idea the considerable amount of effort it takes to push myself to write or to do my 200 flights of stairs. I feel good and accomplished when I do these things… but the urge to lay here and wish I would just fall asleep and not wake up is overwhelming. The longing for the joining of souls with another in love and strength is overwhelming. I am told by the friends that love me that really there is nothing so horribly wrong with me that someone shouldn’t love me the way that I love them…. and yet…. here I sit… alone. Because the souls I love in the way I wish to be loved… cannot, or will not return that love.

You say I have a bad picker. I still cannot comprehend how you get to pick who you have those types of feelings for. It’s either there or it’s not. I can love you deeply… but it does not mean I want to have a relationship with you in that way. It’s frustrating. I have some wonderful men in my life that I know if I let them would treat me like a queen. But I just don’t feel that way about them…. and it sucks… because they deserve someone to feel that way about them. Hell, the person I am currently in love with treats me better than any man has ever treated me… and we can’t even be together. It’s all secret squirrel. Why? Because it would hurt someone we both care for immensely…. and no, he is NOT married.

At any rate…. according the heart sutra… the end of all suffering… none of this matters… and therefore, why do I suffer over it? Honestly? I think it is because it’s about the experience of suffering…… LOL Joy and rapture. I wonder if this profound revelation will help me through it?

And before we go off think that my struggle with depression is about my love life, it is not. It would just be nice to have someone who understands me and loves me to be supportive when I am having those really rough moments where my own internal pep talk is not helping… (these moments come more often than I would like to admit lately) To have that person who without even trying,  makes me want to be a better person…. and so the support they give doesn’t require much effort either…. odd that.

I wish I was manic… at least then I’d have some uber productive up moments……..

Meanwhile… planning a new tattoo………

Racism… wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it go……

So… the past 2 days I have talked myself out of bed and done my allotted 200 flights of stairs. I will do so again today, I just haven’t talked myself into it yet.
So for now I am content to eat my completely organic oatmeal with cinnamon and blueberries and apples and drink my chai tea. As I talk about the ridiculously stupid things on my mind to you.

On my mind this morning… racism.

So I am in this group called “The Root” on Facebook. I am not exactly sure how that occurred but there I am. They talk mostly about things that effect the black community. I am not black. In fact I am as far from any color as anyone can get. I glow in the dark. I sparkle in the sun like the Cullens. I am alabaster white, my friends. What amazes me is that most people of color that I know, and this isn’t all inclusive to blacks, it includes all colors, are more racist than most of the white people I have ever met.

And on the word racism…. when any form that I have to fill out, be it governmental or otherwise asks me for my race, I make a new box, check it, and write “HUMAN” next to it. Because that is my race. If you want to know my ethnicity… you should ask me that.

I am of the HUMAN race…. My ethnicity should not matter. We all bleed red blood. Our internal organs are all relatively in the same place and have the same functions as everyone else in the HUMAN race does. The color of one’s skin matters just as little as the clothing one wears.

It irritates me that people wish to break up the HUMAN population into color classes and gender classes. It’s actually painful to watch and listen to the ignorance. And yes…… we all do it to some extant. And next time you hear yourself doing it…. think about how stupid you sound. How about we break people down into their levels of enlightenment. Current presidential candidates are in the kindergarten class. They have not a clue. In fact, I have yet to encounter a bigger bunch of ignoramaces in my life as I have in our current presidential choices. I am sad. The things that come out of their mouths are so astoundingly moronic, I just am embarrassed to be a member of the human race. I really do hope no other beings are watching us from afar… because if they are, they must truly know that the majority of us are a lost cause. They probably don’t even know about the few enlightened. Thanks a lot you big stupids….. I will enjoy dying over your idiocracy.

*sigh*

Random crap about other people that bothers me… or Why I stay in my room.

1. IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS… LIKE THE TEA: So… you live with other people. And you walk in the kitchen, you get your teacup all ready, put the teabag in it and turn on the teapot. Then you go do other stuff while you are waiting for the water to boil because multi-tasking is a good skill and everyone should use it.

So the whistle goes off and someone is in the kitchen and standing right there and they turn the burner off before you can hear the whistle. But do they tell you the water is hot? No. Do they pour the boiling water over your teabag for you? No. So… your boiling water is now getting cold. When mom boils water for tea I not only pour the water over the tea for her, but I also tell her that I have done so, because she does not like her tea strong. She likes it to look like gnat piss and to taste like hot water. I say, why not just drink hot water? But I digress. My point here is….. I have obviously prepared my cup and my teabag and boiled water for boiling tea….. I pour the tea for others… why don’t others think to pour the tea for others? My friends pour the tea for others….. Hmmmmmm. Ponderous.

Just a little song, in case you don’t know about the importance of boiling water for tea:

2. HAZARDS TO OTHERS AND SHARING INFORMATION: You see a guy (or a girl) driving down the road and their tire is going flat… like really flat. Not quite on the rim flat… but close… You just stare at them. You don’t honk. You don’t try to let them know…. you just drive by or stare. Really? Not only is this a hazard to them and whoever is riding in their car… but it’s a hazard to you and others on the road around you…. especially at 70 miles per hour, you selfish dilrod! This also applies to people whose trunks are not shut and don’t seem to have a blockage… they just didn’t get closed, or maybe someone closed their dress in the door, or maybe their car is on fire…. For Gods sake… it isn’t going to hurt you to voice an observation of that sort. Most people appreciate it. And if they don’t… not your problem. You did your duty as a good human being.

3. THERE IS A WORLD PAST THE END OF YOUR NOSE: No really…. there is. Just because you can’t access it, doesn’t mean you can’t see it. And if you aren’t part of a solution, you are part of the problem. Hi there…. Note there are other humans around you with issues, possibly just like yours. Maybe you can help eachother. Even in a small way like encouragement. Wow… so simple…. go figure.

4. SO YOUR LIFE IS BORING…..: I don’t want to be involved in your type of “excitement.” People who can’t go find some wholesome excitement in their lives and require drama and gossip to survive. I don’t want to be involved. I do not want to be sucked in to it. I know how I get and I don’t like myself when I am that way. It is just easier for me to become a hermit. *sigh* I don’t want to hear about who said she said he said they said he did and then they said bla bla bla bla. I don’t care who slept with who or who hit on who or who said what to who. Go away. I have Warrior Dash training to do and I’m struggling with my own drama that I do not feel the need to impose upon the people I care about… so … Just go. This isn’t soap opera week, baby.

5. MEN: If I didn’t like their anatomy so much, I would totally become a Lesbian. Actually, I take that back. I’ve dated women. We are way worse than men and they don’t have Penises. I accept that men are they way they are and that is okay with me. I’m building a trebuchet and I have a pile of boulders… why? Because most men are oblivious and so if you throw rocks at them, they will go away. Using a trebuchet and boulders means I have to throw less rocks and my aim doesn’t have to be so hot and I can hit more than one oblivious man in one shot. I could get into something really detailed about the obliviousness of men… but if you are a man, you already know you are oblivious, and if you didn’t…. now you do. If you are a woman… you also know the details of man obliviousness. I’d just be preaching to the choir. Anyways… back to accepting that men are men and are nothing like women and they never will be. Once you get past that, it’s not so bad. Now to find one that isn’t scared of commitment. HAH! I find for the most part, they are all just trying to get in my pants. Sorry… that doesn’t make you special or make me want you. I can get that pretty much anywhere I go, and I’m not even that hot. Okay.. bored of this topic.

6. ANGRY PEOPLE: I’m sorry that you are angry. Find a way to deal with it. Don’t take it out on everyone around you. Your spewing of negativity is not doing anyone any good… including yourself. You know what all the negative energy you are throwing around does? Starts wars, cancer, divorce, major world catastrophes. No really, it does. Find a better way to release it… it’s possible. Seriously.

Don’t believe me? Thoughts become things, watch this:

7. THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS ADVICE GIVERS: It’s fine to offer advice to people. But if they don’t agree with your advice, or don’t take your advice… don’t get pissed off about it. I mean, I’m sure you are not the first person to give that advice. It’s also entirely possible that you don’t know the whole story and your advice doesn’t apply to the particular situation. But getting angry about it, taking it personally or ending a friendship over it is really ridiculous. And if that is the kind of person you are….. you are not the kind of person I want in my life. Sorry. Thanks for the advice. Take your self-righteous anger elsewhere.

Okay… my mind is starting to wander a bit…. And my daughter needs the laptop. She NEEDS it. No really… for school. Have a good one. Please feel free to list the things about people that bother you below…. Cram your info down my throat. I like it.

Invisible Monsters.

So right now….. I’m sitting here with a huge wave of sadness crushing me. Why? Why am I sad? No idea… but the pain I feel in my chest is similar to having one’s heart crushed by the person they love the most or losing someone close. I cry…. and I just want to cry more.

The problem is…. There is no reason to feel this way. I was supposed to give a massage today but it got cancelled. Medical emergency. Not mine.

I was planning on being picked up by a complete stranger and carpooling dow to Toppenish to have a crafty evening with the ladies of Vulkenfeldt, whom for the most part, I am pretty sure I have never met. However…. what if I should break down and start crying for no flipping reason. They are going to think I’m insane.

So… I think I will wait until I’m not feeling so………………… intense for lack of a better word. Maybe better to just finish out Rome and do some more knitting.

I got the feeling last night when an friend was giving me a little pep talk that he thought I was feeling this way over a man. Not the case. Has nothing to do with anyone but me and my psychotically stupid brain chemistry. Not to say that having someone around that loves me wouldn’t be helpful.. but that is not what the issue is.

I think it’s difficult for others to understand how tiresome this battle is if they’ve never experienced it. Working helps… when I have a schedule and I am working, I can go into autopilot if I need to. But when there is no work…. I just cease to function. I wish it was something I could just shoot dead or cut off it’s head or some physical monster that I could attempt to destroy… but it isn’t…. I can’t reach it or grab it or stomp it…..

Stupid invisible monster.

Just how I feel today. Nothing to see here. Move along.

So….. I spent my weekend in a place of zen, which oddly enough, should be a place a normal person would never want to go to. My ex’s house. He wasn’t there. He was visiting his woman. It has wooden beams and high arches and huge windows and it is surrounded by trees. Granted…… it does need some major clean up and organization, but somehow the OCD in me doesn’t seem to care too much about that. So I soak up any daylight that filters through the trees into the windows and I hang out with his brother who knows me probably as well as my bestie does… and in some ways…. even better. And I am completely at peace. We drink and eat and talk and laugh and play Skyrim. I don’t have any anxiety attacks. I don’t wake up sad. I don’t have to worry about wether or not I wear makeup because I’m beautiful just the way I am.
I can plan things without freaking out over how I am going to accomplish them. It’s easy. Step one, step two, step three. Everything is completely clear.
And then I wake up the morning I have to leave.

I make coffee. I begin to pack my things. I smoke a cigarette and drink my coffee as I stand outside in the morning sun, listening to the birds in the trees all around me. Watching them look for bugs under leaves.
Then I go inside and begin to pack my things and I cry…. because I don’t want leave. Because I know that I am coming back to a place where I will be constantly be made to feel imperfect. Where my daughter will be made to feel the same.
And on my way home my vehicular device starts acting up. Which really sucks, because Monday I had just reinacted my employment with the Temp agency that I have been with on and off for 15 yrs and has never failed to eventually land me in a permanent position. And now…. I have to figure out how in the hell I am going to pay for repair. I don’t know what is wrong with it yet, but I am hoping that it is just the fuel filter gummed up and not the transmission.
But until I figure out what the hell it is….. I’m screwed if she calls me for work… because not only will I NOT have transportation to get to Seattle…. but I will also NOT have transportation to and from work. FML.
It seems that no matter how hard I try, I am never going to escape from the soul sucking black hole that is Yakima, WA. *sigh*

Not to mention that half the time where I live is very negative…. and the favoritism in the family is very obvious and actually kind of hurtful. I guess I need to marry an abusive ass or become a meth head to get the little bit of assistance I can muster up the courage to ask for. I hate asking for help. It’s not like I asked you to buy me a car or to buy me a house. I flipping asked you to drive your granddaughter to school because her ride is sick and my car is broken. I’d send her on the bus and not even bother you with it…. if we lived anywhere near a bus stop. Did I mention public transportation here sucks ass?

At any rate… it just seems like every attempt to escape here is thwarted in some way. I do not want to be here. I want to go home. All I want to do here is sit in my room and hide from the world. Grrrrrr. I hate feeling this way.